Who is responsible for morality?

Miley's VMA blowup..

I'm having a really big problem right now. It started over a week ago when Miley Cyrus performed with Robin Thicke on the MTV VMA's. Her performance was extremely sexual, contained references to drugs, promiscuity and Robin's song was essentially date rape in a pretty package. Let me say before I go any further that these are my beliefs. I'm not trying to impose judgement on anyone. I don't care how you live your life as long as you're not hurting anyone or yourself. Your morals, ethics and values are your own and no one has the right to tell you how to live your life. Okay...now that the disclaimer is out of the way here goes. 

I had a really hard time watching that performance. I was physically uncomfortable and had to look away at some points. Tons of people cropped up the social media the next day railing on Miley Cyrus and it seems like everyone has their two cents about it. Her performance bothered me, but not for the reasons everyone seems to think it should have. I'll get to that later. What really bothered me, more than the performance, was the wild backlash on social media, Facebook, Twitter and the blogsphere. Everyone from femenazi's to stay at home moms to male comedians had their say about how Miley was trashy. They slut shamed, they imposed double standards and they built a soap box so high that we'll probably be tasting Tide in the rain for the next six years. What really bothered me, and some other people, was that no one said anything about Robin Thicke. You know...the 36 year old man on stage with her. The saying goes what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Apparently, this pre-choreographed and staged performance didn't raise anyone's moral red flags. That is what I have a problem with. 

Men and Women: Morality part 1

There are a whole host of double standards in this country for men and women. I'll let the hardcore femninists take care of that education on another day. As a parent of both a girl and a boy, I'm well aware of the wide disparity between how my children will live in society one day. I know that my son will have certain privileges and expectations of him as a man and likewise with my daughter as a woman. I get that men and women are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, different things we bring to the table so to speak. I understand that we will be treated according to what we do and say to a certain degree. I guess what profoundly disturbs me about the double standard is the way we push responsibility onto women for morality. 

In this country, sex is the highest selling asset on the market. Sex is everywhere and we've told our children, either outright or through media, that sex sells and their success hinges on how well they can use their assets. We push this on women especially. Think about it. Think about publications geared toward women and young girls. Think about movie stars and music performers. Think about how pervasive the idea of women as objects is throughout our culture. Then think about the polar opposite side of the aisle. Think of the moral activits. Think of the slut shamers and the people waiting in the wings for the next collosal trainwreck like Miley or Amanda Bynes. We have forced young women in between a rock and a hard place by telling them they have to be sexual to be popular and successful but if they're too free with their sexuality they are evil and repugnant and disgusting. 

Ahh but what about men? Men are lauded for the more sexual partners they have. We may call them a player or a philanderer but beneath those seemingly derogatory names runs an undercurrent of awe and wonder. Men are not held to the same stringent moral standards that women are. If a women does a walk of shame from a dorm room in college, she's labled a whore, a slut, easy...take your pick. Once her virginity is gone, her value as a moral human being is substantially diminished. Every sexual partner henceforth makes her more unclean. Less of a human being in the eyes of society. As a young man, the baton of adulthood is passed when you deflower yourself. As a woman, it comes when you menstruate and gain the ability to have children. 

And so it goes. The responsbility for morality in respect to sexuality is given to women. Social media backlash from the VMA's included a host of "How to talk to your daughters about Miley" posts. I saw one...one...about Robin Thicke. One post...in the whole of the internet....that was aimed at teaching boys how to respect their relationships with women, respect their own bodies, respect the huge committment that a sexual relationship represents. I was livid. I was and am furious, on behalf of my daughter and countless moms of girls everywhere. That the faceless mob of the internet would seek to shame my daughter and define her responsibility to herself before she has even said her first word is ridiculous. 

How do we stop the cycle? 

Contrary to all those "well-meaning" blogs out there and the soap boxers in the world, there isn't a magic formula for raising children. I don't think we can really change the morals of the adult world at this point. The world we live in tends to shape how and what we can teach our kids. See...a lot of people blame religion for the double standards. I have some thoughts about that. There are women in the Bible who are painted in an unflattering light. That much is true. Some of them also did some morally reprehensible things. But let's talk about that for a minute. The bible presents a snapsnot of certain moments in the time in their lives, not the entire life. And just as the bible presents us with Herodias, Delilah, Jezebel and so forth...we also see several Marys, Sarah, Ruth and lot of women who aren't murdering, thieving, crazy faces. 

Really, we have to take some responsbility at some point. I know as a parent, I feel a great personal responsibility with regard to how my children treat other people. I want to instill the same respect for all people, regardless of religion, sexual orientation and gender that my mom did for me. So I guess it starts by being straightforward with your kids and having that conversation. Do I think you need to sit your toddlers down right now and tell them that they need to respect one another and not view eachother as mindless sex object? No. But eventually, the conversation will come up. My daughter may ask why a young woman is dressed a certain way. My son may see people engaged in public displays of affection (extreme ones) and ask what they are doing. Maybe that's the door opening for me to start teaching them. 

I think a lot of the emphasis on sex comes from deep repression. As a parent, I believe you should set boundaries and your children should respect you. But when respect becomes fear, everything that you fear happening as a parent is bound to come true. So its a fine line we walk as parents. What do we teach and when do we teach it? Like it or not, there are differences between genders. We will never be entirely the same because society isn't there yet. The world isn't there yet. But it starts with having the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how hard it is. I know it will happen with us. I know too well the damage that can result from not teaching young men and women mutual respect. And I think the conversation does need to happen. 

The Lessons and Teachers

I think in our family, the biggest conversations will probably happen between myself and my daughter and my husband and our son. The interesting tradeoff for that is that I think the biggest underestimated influence is going to happen between my son and me and my husband and our daughter. We will talk to our kids and explicitly tell them these things. It is your body. You should respect yourself. You are people first. Treat each other with compassion and respect. You are more than the sum of your sexuality. I have no delusions. I know there's a good possibility my kids may have sex before marriage. But they will understand that sex is a serious commitment. It cannot be taken back. There is a level of trust and discretion expected between partners. They will understand that they are responsible for the image they present to the world and they will understand that a sexual relationship always comes with strings attached. 

The lesson will be tailored to each child, but I sure won't be telling my son his only responsibility is to use condoms as he leaves a trail of broken hearts along the way. He will understand when I say that some day someone could treat his sister that way. How would he feel then? Nor will I tell my daughter that she can wear whatever she wants, dance however she feels, and sleep her way through college and not expect some emotional backlash. She will understand when I tell her I'd give anything to have waited for her father and been true to myself.  I want to establish a level of trust and openness with my kids. I hope they can learn from my mistakes. I will be honest with them, knowing they will make their own mistakes one day. That's okay. I want them to feel comfortable with themselves. They will have their own journeys. Do their own soul searching. They will face the tough questions and make their own answers. But they will have a solid foundation to stand on and I hope they can stand there together. I hope they face the world hand in hand and help one another. I hope that when we are gone they can remind one another of the lessons we tried to teach them and that way I know we will always be there for them even after we leave this earth. 

Love one another as Christ loves you (an open letter to my kids)

Dear children of the future, 

As I sit here writing this to you, we live in a "post-racial" society. They tell me that means that we are all equal. They tell me it means no one is treated differently. That no one is given special treatment. That no one cries out "it's discrimination" every time a crime is perpetrated between two races. They tell me I shouldn't have to educate you about the difference in struggles between ethnic groups. They tell me that you, my blond haired blue eyed white children, will not have an easier life than anyone else on this planet. But whoever 'they' are, hasn't looked into the world and the internet. 

They say that who you love doesn't matter. They say we are all equal in the eyes of the law and that no one has their rights stripped 'in this day and age'. But 'they' still can't look my mom's gay cousin in the eye at family gatherings. 'They' think he's twisted and wrong. 'They' still think he chose to be this way and we should do everything in our power to make sure he doesn't destroy our way of life. 

Kids...I want you to know something. I believe in the bible. I believe there is truth in the word and healing in the scripture. But sometimes Christians get in the way of God's message. We're so busy telling other people what's wrong with them and how they should live that we forget to tend to our own home. I'm not the voice of God on earth. I don't have the authority to speak in His name. But there are some things I've learned about Him that I'd like to share with you. 

God is Love. Pure, Raw, Unadulterated Love. Everything meaningful in the Bible comes back to God's love for mankind. "For God so LOVED the world". God loves the whole world. Not just the world that looks like us, that has the same paycheck, tax code, skin color, eye color, denomination, or job. He doesn't love one of his children more than the other. He has as much love for the fallen sheep as the clean ones. He loves the CEO as much as the homeless man begging outside of his office. So let me be clear when I tell you that loving God makes you a whole human being but not superior to any other child of God. 

Today on the news, I read an article about an uproar because of a mixed race family in a Cheerios commerical. It made me sick to my stomach. There are people in our family who think this way. They espouse hate and bigotry and supremacy and it makes me weep to think of how broken they are. I never want you to be that way. I want you to have as much love for your white friends as your black and hispanic and every color in between. I want you to treat them as people who happen to be of an ethnic group instead of a race that happens to be your friend. People first. Qualities second. It should never be about what they are but who they are. 

So if you grow up and want to date someone who isn't white. That's a non issue. I want the person you end up married to to be the one who makes you happy. I want them to value you. I want you to value them. I want you to understand that people are all different. We come from different backgrounds and homes and schools of thought. Those things ...they make us different. We think differently and we judge things based on those differences. But we still have common ground. We are all people. We are all children of God. 

Don't pity people who have less than you. They don't deserve your pity. They deserve your respect. If you are in a position to help your fellow man, do so. Pity doesn't fill a stomach or pay a light bill. Don't cringe away from helping someone because it might be hard or there might be a barrier. There is a lesson for you in the struggle. You may never have to know what it's like living paycheck to paycheck. You may never know the choice between a bill and a meal. You may never know what it's like to have someone deny you service because of something you were born with. I pray these things don't happen in your lifetime but they've happened in mine.

The truth is, I don't know what it's like to be born black or hispanic or gay. I can't tell you what their struggle is like because I haven't lived it. And I can't tell you that every time a person cries 'discrimination' that it's unfounded. I think sometimes we are holding ourselves back relying on compartmentalizing people. Sometimes violence isn't about race or sexual preference. But then again sometimes it is. I would love to tell you that one day we won't kill one another for being born a certain way. That we won't tell one another we're dirty, filthy, immoral, godless, evil or wicked for loving someone. That we won't call one another filthy names and raise children filled with hate. I hope it comes true in your lifetime. I really do. 

All I know is that I can do my part. I can raise children without hate in their heart. I want you to know being who we are doesn't make us better, just different. I want you to know that different doesn't mean bad. That mainstream doesn't mean right. That things aren't always black and white. There is a whole world of people, good and bad, of all shapes and sizes. We can't judge people on what they look like on the outside. Often evil hides behind beauty. So make friends with all kinds of people. Learn their stories. Their wishes and dreams. Learn their struggles and triumphs. Embrace life with them. Hug them when they're hurting and lift them up in moments of despair. Protect one another from the outside world that seeks to corrupt innocence and strength. Love people for who they are, not what they are. 

And Kids....know that my love for you is not conditional on you being born 'the right way'. I love you for who you are, not what you are. You are my blessings. You are my reason for growth. My reasons for waking up and trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I can't promise you the world you inherit will be tolerant or equal. I can't promise you won't ever have to hear people slinging mud or shouting intolerance. I can't promise you won't weep for humanity or shake your head in disgust. But I do know that the good always shines through. I know that for every act of kindness or friendship the world becomes a little brighter. Just remember that even if the world lashes out at you for being kind, it is never a reason to stop being the wonderful people I know you will become. 

Love, Mom

When we allow freedom to ring-when we let it ring from every city and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protesants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "free at last, Free at last, Great God a-mighty, We are free at last." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

Forgiveness and Honesty

Forgiveness

There are many things I want to teach my children. Some things are easy to teach them because they make sense. You know...don't smear your poop on the carpet because then your room will stink. (For the record we're on day two of this lesson with Declan right now. He's a hardcore nudist....wonder where he gets it. ) Some of the lessons I want them to learn aren't easy to teach because I don't fully understand them myself. Forgiveness is one of those lessons I'm still working on. I think it's one of those things that is hard for a lot of people to understand because they aren't quite sure what forgiveness entails. 

See for me, there's an enormous amount of difference between forgiving someone for their sin or fault and giving them an opening to repeat the offense. The thing about forgiveness is that you have to mean it too. You can't tell someone you forgive them for breaking your mother's priceless china and then every time you get into a fight after that you bring up how they break everything that means a lot to you. It also matters how big the offense is that a person is being forgiven for. You really need to think about the fault before you extend your forgiveness. You can't take back wiping the slate clean. 

Let's really examine this for a minute...

I sometimes inwardly cringe whenever I hear someone utter the phrase "I forgive you". Mostly I do that because I'm witnessing a trainwreck of a relationship between two human beings who obviously don't know what it means to forgive or to be forgiven. We have some pretty good examples of forgiveness in the Bible. (Uh ... anyone heard of that Jesus guy? Yep...thought so). That whole "Forgive them father for they know not what they do thing" tends to stay with you. The son of God, after being brutally tortured for hours and hours spent some of his last moments on this earth praying to the Lord to forgive mankind. Now, that alone makes me sit up and take notice that maybe this whole forgiveness thing is more important than let on. But I also think we need to make some real concessions with regard to forgiveness. 

• Forgiveness is about you, not the other person. It doesn't make you some kind, benevolent, ultra human for extending forgiveness. 
• Forgiveness is about letting go of anger, pain, regret. It's soul cleansing. 
• Forgiveness means acknowledging that people are all flawed and taking these facts into consideration. 

Which brings me to my next point...

People are idiots. Okay..not all people. That's just silly. Honestly, we are all living our own truth. Every single person on the planet has a unique story and journey. Experience isn't universal so there will never be anyone who will truly understand your purpose, motivation and drive. There are bound to be misunderstandings. The best way I know to combat that is to be honest about things and as straightforward as the situation will allow you to be. Now with parenting that's a little bit tricky. I want to be honest about why I don't want my kids to do drugs or drink heavily but how much do I tell them? And what about when it's not my story to tell?

Forgiveness is hard because it goes against so many other things I want to teach my children. I want to teach my son to respect his relationships and teach my daughter that she deserves respect and fair treatment. I want them to respect their bodies, stand up for what they believe in, have morals, standards and to love openly. And if they make a mistake, I want them to know that there is forgiveness available and that they do deserve it if they are genuine in their contrition. I am just scared of them using forgiveness in the wrong way, as a weapon against reason and good sense. 

I've seen women in abusive relationships say through a busted lip and black eye 'but he said he was sorry'. I've seen good men cheated on, who have taken the woman back over and over all because she 'was sorry'. I've seen people do terrible things to one another and think that 'sorry' is the magic balm that makes it all better again. They think that they can continue to do horrible things as long as they say sorry after they've done it. 

Can I be honest? 

I have some great recommendations for forgiveness in my family. I also have some examples of people who will never learn their lesson. Relationships between parents and children, between spouses, between friends ....they're complex. Conflict sometimes arises because two people who are decent human beings separately are in a relationship dynamic that forces them into high stress situations where no one comes out looking good. 

When my son was born, my dad, who I did not have a good relationship with called to reconcile. He made a big deal of wiping the slate clean and I did so for the sake of my son. I issued forgiveness without even really forcing the conversation of what I was forgiving. I learned four months after my son was born, when we visited him, that this was a mistake on my part. I never articulated how I was hurt, the damage that was done, the emotional turmoil. I thought having a baby meant you should be extending the olive branch. The thing about that situation was that he didn't ask forgiveness for himself. Everytime something was brought up even in the remotest terms, he deflected or acted as though it never happened. It seemed to me that he'd rather pretend he was always the perfect father than acknowledge that he had done wrong. When approached he'd throw up the "we're putting the past behind us" roadblock and I knew I'd been hasty with my forgiveness.

But I do believe forgiveness is important. I do forgive him in the sense that I'm not allowing what he did to hold sway over me anymore. I don't let my mind stray to the hard moments. I don't seethe in anger when I talk to him on the phone. I listen with as much compassion as I can, while ultimately knowing that my relationship with my father will never be what my children have with theirs. I've made peace with it. I won't allow that to color his relationship with his grandchildren, but I also will be honest with them about it when they're old enough. If he backslides into toxitcity, I will not allow it to affect my kids. That's the price we pay for forgiveness. 

Part of the solace I do find in my relationship with God is that there is forgiveness. I know that I make mistakes and if I do so and seek forgiveness God will bestow it. Some people think it's a trite sort of cliche the whole forgiveness thing...that you can do whatever you want and God will just make it okay. But I don't act without thinking. For me, the fact that there is forgiveness just makes me want to be a better person. That God has forgiven me once is enough. I want to make it my mission to not need to say 'sorry'. I want to make sure that when I do have to say sorry it is because I mean it with my entire being. In our house, I want forgiveness to mean something and to be bestowed with thought and care.  My hope is that my children learn that forgiveness is healing but ultimately I hope that they live in such a way that they need not be forgiven for huge injustices. I hope we can teach them the compassion and strength of spirit to be able to forgive others and open the door to peace and serenity. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.