Parenthood is making me a better person

Pregnancy shocked me 

I remember the exact day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I ate half a bag of jalapeño chips, three pickled and an ice cream cone...and then I thought to myself...Self...when was our last period? And two tests later I was calling my husband home from the "neck beards anonymous" meeting to help me calm down. If you known nothing else about me, you should known I am such a type A, control freak, OCD nutball. It makes me physically uncomfortable to not be in control of my surroundings. And you know... Pregnancy is the exact same for everyone....or not. 

I began my freak out from the second I saw those two pink lines. I was reading everything. All the blogs, books and online pregnancy forums I could find. It made me a raging lunatic. "What to expect" is the Web MD of childbearing web pages in that it makes you think you're miscarrying if you sneeze. My husband banned me from all books, web pages and forums until my third trimester. I think I probably made him twitchy. 

My body did weird things and I didn't expect them because there are things that nobody mentions about pregnancy because its not glorious or special or nice. Random, sporadic pain. Nausea...like all the time. Trigger smells...peanuts made me gag. Migraines and exhaustion. And that glowing ? Sweat...and body oil...pregnancy is rough.

Labor amazed me

First of all let me just say that I think childbirth is a wonderful, powerful thing. It's spiritual for a lot of people. Women find strength and empowerment in it. I wasn't scared of labor. But after 40+ weeks of being pregnant, I was starting to get anxious. My doctor was like "We need to get this show on the road" when I hit 41+ weeks. So I scheduled an induction and away we went. 

Which brings me to my next point...The devil invented Pitocin. He clapped his hands together (which are not red because where in the Bible does it ever say he's red and slinky? nevermind) so he clapped his hands together and he said "I'd like to take that whole pain during childbirth thing up to the next level". Childbirth is painful, but you can do it without drugs. I know lots of people who have. I have a friend who gave birth in a birthing tub totally without drugs and looked freakishly amazing afterwards. My body just never initiated labor with Declan. With Evie I chose to induce at 39 weeks so my husband could see her be born. 

Declan's birth wasn't too bad. I mean 18 hours of Pitocin is God-Awful, I wont' lie, but eventually I got an epidural and it wasn't so bad. I was on the verge of punching everyone in the face prior to that epidural though so it evens out in the grand scheme of things. Evie's birth? Totally different experience. I maintain that it was worth it to have Dan hold her but sweet lord was it uncomfortable. 42 hours of labor. There were unmentionable items placed in uncomfortable spots. There was no epidural for the first day or so and the other drug they can give you in the interim made me hallucinate. That's a fact too! Dan has recorded a document on his laptop of all the crazy stuff I said to him under the influence. Some choice tidbits include " I need you to hop over to wal-mart. No you have to hop" " I'm serious I need some twix and kit kat" "No the baby won't come unless I have chocolate". 

At the end though I got two gorgeous kids. They told me they had dimples as soon as they saw them so you know...no DNA test needed I guess. I was stunned afterwards...very much so. I went from pregnant to mom in what seemed like the blink of an eye. And then the fun began...

Now I'd like to share some parenting revelations with you

I find these both accurate and hilarious:

• As a young single person, you measure the success of a night by how late you can stay up. As a parent you measure it by how early you can go to sleep.
• Dressing up for me means wearing my nicest yoga pants/leggings and wearing a tank top modest enough not to show the girls off to the whole world in when I feed my kid
• All the parenting books in the world don't prepare you for the moment your toddler poops on the carpet like a dog and steps in it and afterwards runs around screaming tracking poop everywhere
• You might begin to have nightmares where the Hotdog song and the Mousekedoer song play on loop and you can't turn them off
• Children like to test their boundaries and seeing a tiny person actively trying to tick you off can sometimes be amusing. I am often caught between rage and hilarity. I must never let that little person win!
• Routines are amazing. Once you get your kid on a routine, you can do anything...except go off the routine. That leads to chaos and anarchy and a baby ripping off his diaper and running naked, screaming into the dog. 
• Babies really love being naked. Heck...don't we all? Try to limit their naked time though ....or know what time they poop...because seriously....I have a dog that eats poop and I'm always the last to know that poop has happened
• Be careful with the habits you teach  your kids. Whenever someone in my house is asked where something is (Dan) they automatically reply with a shoulder shrug and "I don't know". Now my toddler, whenever he is asked for things like Mom's keys, throws his hands up and shrugs his shoulders and pantomimes "I don't know"...many times before walking exactly where he hid things and bringing them to me. 
• Quiet time is great...until you have a kid. Quiet children means you're about to lose something you're really attached to like a vase or a remote or a phone or money...quiet time leads to finding a dead president staring up at you from the contents of a diaper. 
• Kids know you think they're cute. They work the system. Declan knows women are easy to manipulate so he feigns shyness and they give him treats and he runs off with them. He's a miniature con artist!
• Girls are drama queens. My daughter wills scream at the top of her lungs for no reason. And she works her father like a cheap fiddle. She loves "talking" to him. I imagine she's ordering him to buy her things but I don't speak gibberish. 
• After a long day of parenting you want two things...a glass of wine and something to make you laugh and if you can have your husband bring them to you without too much fuss....well that's how siblings are made. Cat's out of the bag now...just kidding. I hate wine. 
  
  
  

  It makes me a better person

  You know that old saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" I think they were talking about being a parent. When you're single and free to mingle...nothing is really important. I was a big fan of saying whatever I felt like and not really caring who was offended. I had a lot of anger issues and pushed away a lot of friends and family. I made stupid, worthless decisions and spent my time with people who didn't deserve it. 
  
  
  I don't know what it is about being a parent that suddenly makes you realize that your time has value and that what you do has consequences. Maybe it's the whole "I'm responsible for turning this baby into a responsible person." But I really do care how my kids turn out. I want them to be good people. And I'm working on getting there myself. A lot of frivolous things just flat out don't seem important. I try to be more kind to other people. I am working on judging people less because as a mom I know how much judgement I receive and I don't like it. With the age my kids are now, it's hard to teach tangible, real things by speech so circumstance forces me to lead by example.  I think anything that makes you conscious of your impact on the world is a good thing. For me that was being a mom and wife. It's amazing how having a supportive spouse helps too. He makes me stronger, better, wiser. He calls me on my stuff and we have real discussions. 
  
  
  Finding the right person isn't about "fixing" one another, it's about finding balance. I started being a better person with my marriage. I cared about someone enough to want to change how I reacted to situations and how I dealt with things. We can talk calmly and work through things now and I'm proud of that. I don't have to hide the crazy. He just embraces it along with everything else about me. That's love. Love makes me a better person. My kids are a personification of the love I have for my husband. Living proof that even though he's a nerd he's scored at least twice. ;) And we won't ever be perfect but we're becoming better versions of us and if we give our best version to our kids...maybe it pays forward and maybe...just maybe...by loving and living and growing we send out enough positive energy to keep the world going. And I like that a lot. 
  
  
  
  

In my life I've learned that true happiness comes from giving. Helping others along the way makes you evaluate who you are. I think that love is what we're all searching for. I haven't come across anyone who didn't become a better person through love.

Marla Gibbs

Teaching Compassion to a toddler

Teaching Compassion to a Toddler...

I think it's time I introduce one of my children to you. Meet Declan. 

Declan was born on January 18, 2012 which makes him just over 18 months old now. He's always met his milestones at or before the time other children his age met them. If it sounds like I'm bragging, I'm not....okay I am a little bit, but he's genuinely a really smart, motivated kid. He's not incredibly verbal at this stage so I started teaching him some ASL in order to make communicating his needs a little easier. He picks up new signs really easily, given the right circumstances. For instance, he's motivated by food...much like every other member of this family. If I so chose, I could teach him the sign for French Fry in about 20 minutes. That says more about his love for french fries than language in general I suppose but I'm not complaining. 

I've had several people tell me I should write a book because Declan gives me such great stories to tell. He is absolutely amazing to watch. One of my favorite things to do is people watch. I like to imagine stories and try to puzzle out what people are saying or doing. It's a hobby...sue me. Watching my own kid discover things and see how funny and smart he is turning out to be is amazing. 

Like many children his age, he thinks flatulence is top notch in the humor world. Tell the kid a knock knock joke and it falls on deaf ears. Make fart noises with your armpit and he's writhing on the floor laughing. I think there's some evidence to support a sex-linked trait here. His dad is 28 and still thinks flatulence is hysterical....to the point of locking the car windows and quietly waiting for "it" to hit you. 

Learning and Siblings

I gave birth to our second child 4 months ago. She'll get her own post so no need to clutter up Declan's moment here and now. I had a lot of people express their "concern" over having two so close together. I had comments ranging from the joyous to downright rude. I had people tell me they felt sorry for Declan because he wouldn't get all my love or that he'd dislike his sister or that he wouldn't understand and on and on. I set myself up for a painful situation. Having an advanced child turned out to be an incredible blessing. 

They've been thick as thieves since the moment she was born. Declan started learning to walk at 10 months, making him a pro by the time she was born when he was 15 months old. He could sign more, hungry, eat, drink, milk, mama, dada, thank you, love, bed, bath, up, and all done by the time she was born. That's not to say there weren't some bumps. He did try to sit on her a couple of times. He tends to think she is sturdier than she really is. He's rough and tumble. Constantly moving around. A bundle of energy and full of love. He loves to go around and give kisses to every member of the family, including his sister at bedtime. He knows she goes with him at bath time and will put her pacifier in her mouth if she is crying. He will come get you and point at her if she's upset and tells you to bring her with you when you get him into the bath. Much like at walking, eating and signing...Declan is kicking the pants off of being a sibling

Raising a little man

I won't lie and say that Declan is good at everything. He's not some child prodigy, learning piano, harpsichord and the Viennese Waltz at 12 months. He throws tantrums, disobeys, cries, sobs, pulls hair, hits, tortures the dog, pulls the cat's tail, pokes the baby in the eye, takes off his diaper and runs around naked (not his fault. We're a big fan of the whole "sans clothing" movement here. Blame it on his father. He wants a naked room one day.) 

One of the things I struggle with as a parent is controlling my own temper. The other day I put him to bed at 7:30. We've quit the bottle cold turkey so bed time the past week or so has been a nightmare. What once was a quiet, subdued affair has become a "sippy cup of milk, kiss goodnight, close the door go downstairs...scream for 20 minutes...go upstairs rub his back, read Green Eggs and Ham 4 times, kiss him, close the door, go downstairs....scream for 20 minutes...send Dad upstairs, give him 8 stuffies to sleep with, talk to him for 10 minutes, kiss him goodnight come downstairs" affair. By the time we get him down we are so exhausted we can't even think about doing anything else. So this kid at 8:30 giggles outside my bedroom door and I put him back to bed. 15 minutes later I walk to get a glass of water and end up shrieking like a banshee because my golden haired bundle of joy is standing stock still in the doorway like Children of the Corn, silently clutching a book. I was torn between hilarity and rage because I had let myself become comfortable enough to go to sleep. Oh silly silly me...

Teaching him compassion

The one thing I've always said I wanted to instill in my children is compassion for other people. One thing I cannot stand is when I hear people verbally destroy another person for bad decisions, addictions, life problems, crappy boy troubles...you get the idea. I hate that this society tells us we have the right to put down one another like we think we don't have faults. I believe firmly that Christ commands us love one another. The man talked with the dregs of society in his time. I don't think it's such a stretch to try to empathize with someone who is hurting. I've known people who committed suicide. I've known people struggling with addiction. I've known people who've been raped, beaten, abused, victimized, who self harmed, who wished to die, who lashed out, who hurt...plain and simple. I'm not trying to be preachy. I'm pretty flawed myself. If I gave you my list of what I hate about myself we'd be here all night. I do try to be a better person today than I was yesterday because I care about the things I teach my kids. 

I guess I care so much because I have been in a situation where I thought briefly that life wasn't really worth the struggle. People who have never struggled tend not to appreciate just how hard it is to break out of the cycle of violence, or hurt, or addiction. They tend to oversimplify and rationalize feelings that have no logic. Pain isn't logical. Suffering isn't bound by rules. It hurts. I know these things. I've been in a relationship where I thought that if I could "save" the other person it meant that I was worth something more. Which I guess brings us full circle to the last post. I finally learned it was okay to have tried your best. My person didn't want help. But one day my son or daughter or future kids may know someone who they can help. 

I've never looked for God in huge displays of power or performing gigantic miracles. I've always seen God in sunny days and butterflies when I'm feeling lonely. I've felt him in praise music and my children's laughter. I've seen him in a military homecoming and I've heard him in a woman's cries as she gives birth. To me God is everywhere and I truly think we have the ability to help one another if we can find him. My mother in law shared something profound with me the other day. She'll be the first one to tell you she isn't perfect and she wasn't always as good of a Christian as she is now. She gets a lot of inspiration from her husband, who is without a doubt one of the kindest, funniest, most compassionate people I've ever met. He was in the ICU, where no one ever wants to be, and basically said If we learn to find the calm in the chaos we can find strength and hope in God. Now that's me paraphrasing but it really stuck with me. 

I hope that I can find some way to teach that to my kids. I work with him now, but even as incredibly smart as he is, Declan doesn't quite get that it's not kind to pinch his sister. It doesn't really register that pulling on the dog's face might make him sad and that screaming for 20 minutes because I won't let him watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on loop makes mommy angry/sad/frustrated/crazy. I hope that when he's in Kindergarden and a new boy comes to school that he'll be the first to offer the hand of friendship because he can understand what it might feel like to be left out. I hope that when he's in middle school, he stands up for the kid who gets picked on for coming to school in clothing a few sizes too big because he understands that some people don't have as much as we do. I hope that when he's in high school he is polite and kind and friendly and that he doesn't judge people based on what they look like. I hope he takes the effort to go outside his comfort zone. I hope he tries to lend a helping hand to someone, even when they don't seem like they are deserving of his kindness because sometimes they are the people who need it the most. I hope he won't turn his back on someone in pain. I hope he stands up for what is right.  I hope he takes it to heart when I tell him to try to love every other person he meets as much as Christ loved us. I hope he's a better person than I am today, tomorrow or twenty years from now. And I hope that at least a fraction of that is because I have tried to be a better person today than I was yesterday. 

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

― Mother Teresa

We choose what we let into our lives

Marriage is like a garden...

I watched a video series from my church about a year into my marriage. It was a 5 part series from the main pastor and his wife about marriage, families and making it all work. It was one of the highest attendance times for the church in its history, presumably because frazzled moms and dads were rushing to hear God's wisdom and thinking a divine solution to all their woes was just around the corner. 

My husband and I watched this video series together and commented when we agreed or disagreed on something. We had a lot of really good discussion afterwards on the direction of our family and marriage. It actually did us a lot of good. It wasn't like an earth shattering epiphany that we had....it came on quietly, it little ways. From the outset, we never had like a perfect Mayberry marriage where no one ever fights and the mom always looked like a 10 with an immaculate house and dinner ready promptly when dad walked in the door. We had some intense disagreements. I had some anger issues that tended to present themselves when I felt insecure or unappreciated. To sum up the whole, our early marriage had moments of serenity and minor blips of sheer crazy (mostly from my end). 

Ironically, this video series was something I was initially against. Like two months into our marriage my husband had suggested periodic marriage counseling, which I saw as a sign of a broken marriage or defeat. Even when he insisted that it was so we could deal with problems as they arose rather than waiting until we had a mountain of trouble, I dug my heels in and adamantly refused to the point of tears and anger. A year later, I had a different view. I had time to come around to thinking that maybe seeing things from the outside wasn't a bad idea. Marriage...like a garden...needs tending

The best things I learned from the video...

So now we get around to the video series. I actually watched it. With my husband. I actually love this church. I wasn't a big church person growing up. I would go if my family went. I didn't really get that everyone was flawed and God loved them anyways. To me, sitting in Church with a bunch of hypocrites seemed wrong. But I really got into this church and for me, trusting the pastor was enough of an incentive to see what this whole marriage series had to offer. 

So some basic things that I learned about it was that ...

• The bible designates the man as the head of the house but not in a sexist, caveman sort of way. He's supposed to take charge, make decisions, help guide and direct the family.
• The bible designates woman as a companion, a fellow decision maker, a supportive role, the emotional center of the family. 
• The bible respects the wisdom of women in childbearing, rearing children and offering unconditional love and support. 
• You have to lead your children by example. 
• You have to be INTENTIONAL

See the thing is, your kids aren't going to crop up and be wonderful, empathic, loving, supportive adults on their own. You have to guide them that way. You have to take an active role in what they do. That makes sense to me. When they have questions, you answer them. When they have a situation where they want/need God's guidance, you help them find it.

Being Intentional

The thing from the series that had the most impact on me was the idea that you choose what you let into your life. I say again YOU CHOOSE. There are some things that we have relatively little control over. Society and rules dictate a lot to us. We can't be with our kids 24/7 either. We have to raise them to be able to make the right decisions for themselves. 

But when they're young? That's when you choose. Some things are easy...like say... I'm not letting my kids watch HBO because they don't censor nudity, language or violence. They're 18 months and 4 months for the love of Pete! I'm not letting my kids have a sleepover without meeting the parents. I'm not bowing into every whim of my toddlers and I'm not letting them run around on their own after dark. Some things are a little bit harder to judge. With age comes responsibility and I'll have to let them spread their wings and hope they make good decisions. There will be some decisions to make where the line blurs. I can tell my kids not to drink until I'm blue in the face but it might happen. I will need to be prepared to pick their drunk behind up rather than risk them dying in a car accident trying to sneak home at 3 a.m. I don't want their fear. Only their respect and love. 

Hard decisions

I never thought, in my entire life, that as a parent I would have to choose to keep a family member out of my children's lives. But in the video series from the church, Brian makes that very point. I have some family, I'm sure we all do, that aren't the best role models. My family tree has some very beautiful, flowring branches. It also has some gnarled, sickly, broken, diseased limbs that...while adding to the whole tree...tend to detract from the whole. 

The bible tells us to forgive. It tells us to love one another as Christ loved us. It tells us to help the hurt, the sick, the injured, the dying. It tells us to raise up our neighbor in times of trial and suffering. It tells us to always hope, always endure, always lean on God. It also tells us that we are the best example for our children. If you have a family member or friend who is struggling...maybe with addiction, maybe with anger or sickness or habits or strife or abuse...your first inclination should be to help if you can. But there comes a point where a person must decide if they want to be better...if they want that help. If a person doesn't want to be better, you don't have much choice. To allow someone who is toxic to come into your life periodically, use you up until you have nothing left and then leave just as quickly as they came doesn't teach your children about God's love. It doesn't teach your kids to be compassionate or kind or caring. It may end up teaching the reverse. They may come to inadvertently associate that behavior as acceptable. 

There comes a point when you have to say...Enough. It's okay to be tired. It's not shameful to say..I've done all I can. You have to make the choice between being the best for your kids...or being trapped by guilt over not being enough for the person you're trying to help. Sometimes you can't come between the demons and their victim. Sometimes you aren't meant to. Sometimes God says you aren't the right person for the job. It is okay. 

At the end of the day

At the end of the day...I am only one person. I am a mom.. a wife... and a person with  my own struggles and doubts. But I do have one very important strength. I can CHOOSE. And that is enough for me



To view the Westridge Marriage series

Our Story

How this began...

Okay, so this is my first attempt at this blog. I'm doing it because I need an outlet for stress. Imagine that, being a mom is stressful....who knew? Seriously though...I need to vent these things sometimes, because on top of being a mom to two, I am a military wife. That means half the time I'm off here in left field doing this on my own. That means no help from Daddy, no grandparents 15 minutes away to share the load, none of that. But I want you to know that I can find the funny, and the silly, and the crazy and the angry and the bitter and the wonderful and the happy in this ride. I'm going to find it now and as often as I can so you can see even a little piece of how this life shapes us. I want people to be able to see and to know that I don't wallow in self pity when he's gone, I love my children fiercely, I give them 100% of myself as often as I can and that sometimes mommy is barely holding it together. I want my children to be able to read this some day and see that mommy was doing her very best. So this is our story. If you get even an ounce of comfort or support from this, then my mission is accomplished.

Our Marriage

I met my husband in South Carolina at Nuke School. I think I had never so much disliked another human being based on slander in all my life. I literally knew next to nothing about him but it was one of those things where you had heard enough about someone and you linked them with negative associations in your mind so it made it impossible for you to form unbiased conclusions. We made it all through A school with him thinking I was a b-word and me thinking he was a basement dwelling neckbeard with no life. I had joined the Navy to get out of a town where everyone knew everyone and I thought I had zero chance of ever being happy. It was a situation where too many bad memories were around every corner and I wasn't liking the person in the mirror. The Navy, for me, wasn't much better. I became this angry, bitter woman out to prove something to anybody who would look at me. What was I proving? That I could be a tough, lonely, sad and often tortured individual. I lashed out at a lot of people who didn't deserve it, my future husband included. When we had some time off and came back to Charleston, I had some perspective from my mom. I used the distance from the classroom to tentatively reach a hand out in the universe ....and he grabbed it. I don't think he ever really knew just how low I was at that point. It wasn't even a fast thing. We just realized, I think, that we had each hated the other for something that wasn't true. And when I hit my emotional bottom, I opened myself up for him to come in and make something wonderful. We dated, for like 2 months and then got married. It seems weird but that's the lifestyle you know....

The Kids

We hadn't planned to have kids for a while. I mean who does? It happened. I remember taking the test and calling him at one of his game store things. He was so excited. I remember there was a point where we thought we would lose the baby. So many things happened so quickly. I was forbidden to read baby books and we slowly adjusted to the notion that I couldn't stay in the Navy and keep our family together. I made the decision to leave the life. Then I shifted into being a Navy wife. Nothing can prepare you for this life. You can read and research until your fingers wear down to nubs....it still won't be enough. I gave birth to our son and my husband returned to work after ten days. He barely graduated Prototype on time. I gave birth to our daughter a year and two months later and he deployed 4 days after she was born. It hasn't been a picnic. There have been some really hairy moments. I have had moments when I want to tear my hair out. I've had to apologize to my children for being scary mommy. I've had to cry in my room after they've gone to bed because I'm terrified of doing it all over again the next day. I've also wept with joy. I've celebrated moments of infinite sweetness. I've seen first smiles, first steps, changes countless diapers, held my babies to my breast and smelled their breath while they slept. I've taken the good with the bad and never looked back.

I hope this becomes a source of strength for me. I hope this blog gives me the expression and the opportunity to help someone find moments of strength in themselves. Above all, I hope it shows me in my weak moments just how strong I can be.

Sincerely Yours,  A Work in Progress