Our Story

How this began...

Okay, so this is my first attempt at this blog. I'm doing it because I need an outlet for stress. Imagine that, being a mom is stressful....who knew? Seriously though...I need to vent these things sometimes, because on top of being a mom to two, I am a military wife. That means half the time I'm off here in left field doing this on my own. That means no help from Daddy, no grandparents 15 minutes away to share the load, none of that. But I want you to know that I can find the funny, and the silly, and the crazy and the angry and the bitter and the wonderful and the happy in this ride. I'm going to find it now and as often as I can so you can see even a little piece of how this life shapes us. I want people to be able to see and to know that I don't wallow in self pity when he's gone, I love my children fiercely, I give them 100% of myself as often as I can and that sometimes mommy is barely holding it together. I want my children to be able to read this some day and see that mommy was doing her very best. So this is our story. If you get even an ounce of comfort or support from this, then my mission is accomplished.

Our Marriage

I met my husband in South Carolina at Nuke School. I think I had never so much disliked another human being based on slander in all my life. I literally knew next to nothing about him but it was one of those things where you had heard enough about someone and you linked them with negative associations in your mind so it made it impossible for you to form unbiased conclusions. We made it all through A school with him thinking I was a b-word and me thinking he was a basement dwelling neckbeard with no life. I had joined the Navy to get out of a town where everyone knew everyone and I thought I had zero chance of ever being happy. It was a situation where too many bad memories were around every corner and I wasn't liking the person in the mirror. The Navy, for me, wasn't much better. I became this angry, bitter woman out to prove something to anybody who would look at me. What was I proving? That I could be a tough, lonely, sad and often tortured individual. I lashed out at a lot of people who didn't deserve it, my future husband included. When we had some time off and came back to Charleston, I had some perspective from my mom. I used the distance from the classroom to tentatively reach a hand out in the universe ....and he grabbed it. I don't think he ever really knew just how low I was at that point. It wasn't even a fast thing. We just realized, I think, that we had each hated the other for something that wasn't true. And when I hit my emotional bottom, I opened myself up for him to come in and make something wonderful. We dated, for like 2 months and then got married. It seems weird but that's the lifestyle you know....

The Kids

We hadn't planned to have kids for a while. I mean who does? It happened. I remember taking the test and calling him at one of his game store things. He was so excited. I remember there was a point where we thought we would lose the baby. So many things happened so quickly. I was forbidden to read baby books and we slowly adjusted to the notion that I couldn't stay in the Navy and keep our family together. I made the decision to leave the life. Then I shifted into being a Navy wife. Nothing can prepare you for this life. You can read and research until your fingers wear down to nubs....it still won't be enough. I gave birth to our son and my husband returned to work after ten days. He barely graduated Prototype on time. I gave birth to our daughter a year and two months later and he deployed 4 days after she was born. It hasn't been a picnic. There have been some really hairy moments. I have had moments when I want to tear my hair out. I've had to apologize to my children for being scary mommy. I've had to cry in my room after they've gone to bed because I'm terrified of doing it all over again the next day. I've also wept with joy. I've celebrated moments of infinite sweetness. I've seen first smiles, first steps, changes countless diapers, held my babies to my breast and smelled their breath while they slept. I've taken the good with the bad and never looked back.

I hope this becomes a source of strength for me. I hope this blog gives me the expression and the opportunity to help someone find moments of strength in themselves. Above all, I hope it shows me in my weak moments just how strong I can be.

Sincerely Yours,  A Work in Progress