We choose what we let into our lives

Marriage is like a garden...

I watched a video series from my church about a year into my marriage. It was a 5 part series from the main pastor and his wife about marriage, families and making it all work. It was one of the highest attendance times for the church in its history, presumably because frazzled moms and dads were rushing to hear God's wisdom and thinking a divine solution to all their woes was just around the corner. 

My husband and I watched this video series together and commented when we agreed or disagreed on something. We had a lot of really good discussion afterwards on the direction of our family and marriage. It actually did us a lot of good. It wasn't like an earth shattering epiphany that we had....it came on quietly, it little ways. From the outset, we never had like a perfect Mayberry marriage where no one ever fights and the mom always looked like a 10 with an immaculate house and dinner ready promptly when dad walked in the door. We had some intense disagreements. I had some anger issues that tended to present themselves when I felt insecure or unappreciated. To sum up the whole, our early marriage had moments of serenity and minor blips of sheer crazy (mostly from my end). 

Ironically, this video series was something I was initially against. Like two months into our marriage my husband had suggested periodic marriage counseling, which I saw as a sign of a broken marriage or defeat. Even when he insisted that it was so we could deal with problems as they arose rather than waiting until we had a mountain of trouble, I dug my heels in and adamantly refused to the point of tears and anger. A year later, I had a different view. I had time to come around to thinking that maybe seeing things from the outside wasn't a bad idea. Marriage...like a garden...needs tending

The best things I learned from the video...

So now we get around to the video series. I actually watched it. With my husband. I actually love this church. I wasn't a big church person growing up. I would go if my family went. I didn't really get that everyone was flawed and God loved them anyways. To me, sitting in Church with a bunch of hypocrites seemed wrong. But I really got into this church and for me, trusting the pastor was enough of an incentive to see what this whole marriage series had to offer. 

So some basic things that I learned about it was that ...

• The bible designates the man as the head of the house but not in a sexist, caveman sort of way. He's supposed to take charge, make decisions, help guide and direct the family.
• The bible designates woman as a companion, a fellow decision maker, a supportive role, the emotional center of the family. 
• The bible respects the wisdom of women in childbearing, rearing children and offering unconditional love and support. 
• You have to lead your children by example. 
• You have to be INTENTIONAL

See the thing is, your kids aren't going to crop up and be wonderful, empathic, loving, supportive adults on their own. You have to guide them that way. You have to take an active role in what they do. That makes sense to me. When they have questions, you answer them. When they have a situation where they want/need God's guidance, you help them find it.

Being Intentional

The thing from the series that had the most impact on me was the idea that you choose what you let into your life. I say again YOU CHOOSE. There are some things that we have relatively little control over. Society and rules dictate a lot to us. We can't be with our kids 24/7 either. We have to raise them to be able to make the right decisions for themselves. 

But when they're young? That's when you choose. Some things are easy...like say... I'm not letting my kids watch HBO because they don't censor nudity, language or violence. They're 18 months and 4 months for the love of Pete! I'm not letting my kids have a sleepover without meeting the parents. I'm not bowing into every whim of my toddlers and I'm not letting them run around on their own after dark. Some things are a little bit harder to judge. With age comes responsibility and I'll have to let them spread their wings and hope they make good decisions. There will be some decisions to make where the line blurs. I can tell my kids not to drink until I'm blue in the face but it might happen. I will need to be prepared to pick their drunk behind up rather than risk them dying in a car accident trying to sneak home at 3 a.m. I don't want their fear. Only their respect and love. 

Hard decisions

I never thought, in my entire life, that as a parent I would have to choose to keep a family member out of my children's lives. But in the video series from the church, Brian makes that very point. I have some family, I'm sure we all do, that aren't the best role models. My family tree has some very beautiful, flowring branches. It also has some gnarled, sickly, broken, diseased limbs that...while adding to the whole tree...tend to detract from the whole. 

The bible tells us to forgive. It tells us to love one another as Christ loved us. It tells us to help the hurt, the sick, the injured, the dying. It tells us to raise up our neighbor in times of trial and suffering. It tells us to always hope, always endure, always lean on God. It also tells us that we are the best example for our children. If you have a family member or friend who is struggling...maybe with addiction, maybe with anger or sickness or habits or strife or abuse...your first inclination should be to help if you can. But there comes a point where a person must decide if they want to be better...if they want that help. If a person doesn't want to be better, you don't have much choice. To allow someone who is toxic to come into your life periodically, use you up until you have nothing left and then leave just as quickly as they came doesn't teach your children about God's love. It doesn't teach your kids to be compassionate or kind or caring. It may end up teaching the reverse. They may come to inadvertently associate that behavior as acceptable. 

There comes a point when you have to say...Enough. It's okay to be tired. It's not shameful to say..I've done all I can. You have to make the choice between being the best for your kids...or being trapped by guilt over not being enough for the person you're trying to help. Sometimes you can't come between the demons and their victim. Sometimes you aren't meant to. Sometimes God says you aren't the right person for the job. It is okay. 

At the end of the day

At the end of the day...I am only one person. I am a mom.. a wife... and a person with  my own struggles and doubts. But I do have one very important strength. I can CHOOSE. And that is enough for me



To view the Westridge Marriage series