Don't let Pessimism become your Parent-ism

I've had a lot of ideas rattling around in my brain lately. Quite a few topics that have been gnawing on me actually. I think parenting is honestly one of my passions because I adore my kids. Parenting is also an intensely hot topic. Everybody wants to find the golden ticket...the keys to success...the guarenteed, surefire, my kids won't end up serial killers way to raise them. The problem is that everybody is telling us different things. There's always another parenting book on the shelf. Another so called expert touting out "10 ways to make your kids listen better" or "5 signs you're raising a burden on society". And I'm convinced you could read every book there is and still be no better off than the rest of us. Why? Because all that knowledge goes out the window once you're in the thick of it. I'm talking mid Walmart at 11 am right before nap time when you swore you only had to go in for one thing and now have half a cart full of stuff and they're temper tantruming and all you want to do is crawl under a rock.

When I started this blog, it was a creative outlet. It's my way of getting things out of my head and out there so one day my kids can look back and see this when my memory is gone and I have more medications than there are days of the week. Even beyond that though, it's my way to express why we do the things we do. Parenting is intensely personal for every family. Not everyone looks the same or does the same things. What works for me may not work for you. I'm no expert by any means. All I am is a mom who tries to do better today than she did yesterday. So this isn't me passing judgement on anyone, this is just some things I feel pretty strongly about.

Don't raise your child to suit the world

One of my pet peeves is when people say x,y,or z is what is wrong with the world today. The big one that  I hear a lot is spanking. "People who don't spank their kids are what is wrong with the world today". Now if you're a spanking family, that's your decision. I'll say it before and I'll say it again. I don't care what you do with your kids short of abuse. But spanking is really interesting to me because people draw a correlation between spanking and respect. The problem isn't spanking. The problem is that children don't practice the 3 R's. No..not reading, writing and arithmetic (because I refuse to misspell them). I'm talking about Respect, Reverence and Reflection. 

Respect means a lot. As adults we think our children should be obedient, non questioning and quiet for some reason. But my job as a parent is to raise a child who can not only function in this world but can help change it for the better. That starts with respecting themselves. If they respect their bodies and minds, they can make better decisions. So few people truly respect themselves any more or their definition of respect is so wide you could drive a truck through it.  Respect goes two ways though. We need to extend respect to other people, even if they don't deserve it. I have a really bad temper and being a mom has really made me critical of how I treat other people. I try really hard to teach my kids that respect is inherent. I talk to my kids like adults and I try to take each situation as a learning opportunity. Lord knows we make mistakes. But we learn and know better so we do better. 

Reverence is something that is very important to my family. A lot of people apply this to a religious situation, which we do also, but I think reverence is one of those things you have to learn as you go. My mom always taught me to pull over for a funeral train. To bow your head as they pass and pray for the family. To treat my elders well. To enter a religious temple with the utmost humility and respect even if it wasn't my faith. I have many friends who have no professed faith but they still treat mine with reverence. I don't know how this happened or why we suddenly decided open mockery of things we once held in high esteem happened. I don't disrespect other people's faith or life choices. I treat it how I would wish them to treat mine. It's how I will raise my kids. Maybe it's a southern thing...

Reflection is hard to pin down. It's hard to teach kids. My sister is in high school right now and said the other day there was a girl who 'dressed like a whore and everyone knew she was loose'. It stung me as an adult because I know so much more about the world now. For some people, high school is great and for some it is a world filled with pain and isolation. Perhaps that's why I people watch. I try to discern what motivations people have and will inwardly play devils advocate to teach myself not to judge. Raising kids isn't about creating the perfect, obedient little servant who never questions. It's about teaching them when to ask them. When it's appropriate. When the audience is receptive. When they're going to actually learn. Life isn't about protecting them from ever seeing bad things or experiencing hardship. It's about teaching them to analyze it. To reflect on what happened. It's helping them emotionally sort out how they felt and what could have been done better. It's also about acknowledging differences and working towards understanding and compassion. 

What frustrates me as a parent

People give me unwanted advice all the time about my kids. My favorite ones are the gender rules and the don't raise sissy ones. Mostly because I'm an independent woman raised by and independent woman herself. I wasn't raised to hate or apply labels or assign stereotypes. So when my son wears a bow in his hair because he think that is why people coo at his sister or I let my daughter wear hand me downs from her brother or my son plays with baby dolls or my daughter plays with hotwheels....I'm totally okay with that. 

I get that most people aren't on my wavelength but I really don't care. I don't allow your negativity to affect my children. Wearing a bow or walking around in my shoes wont make my son gay. Playing with a kitchen set or a baby doll isn't going to make him a sissy. You know what it will do? Make him a better rounded human being. Men raise children too. Men become dads. Playing with baby dolls teaches parenting skills and play kitchens teach practical life skills. And my daughter playing with cars and trucks and things doesn't bother me either. Know why? Because one day she will have to drive and God forbid she be like me and put the water where the oil is supposed to go because someone said to her and I quote "put it in the silver thing in front of the engine". I plead the fifth folks. 

What really chaps my hide though is when people want to make their children proactively aggressive or violent or hateful to suit the world. There was a blog a few months ago that went viral wherein a mother condemned my parenting philosophy saying children like mine wouldn't be ready for the world. That girls like mine would threaten suicide over someone calling them a name and that sons like mine couldn't defend themselves or provide for a family. She said kids like mine would be weak and I didn't love them if I didn't get them ready. You know what? I love my kids. And if they never learn anything else on this planet, they will always know that I love them and they can come to me with anything and I will help them as much as I can. That's not making them dependent. It's mutual trust.

 We teach boundaries and manners and compassion and respect for all life and humility and heaven forbid my kids get my temper. I don't want my kids to be like me. I have a horrible temper. I don't profess to be perfect and I apologize to my kids when I overstep the bounds of normalcy. Violence is difficult to turn away from. It's cyclical. That's why I don't spank my kids. It's why I can't. Sometimes I have to walk away and count to 100. Sometimes I have to put my son in his own corner and tell him when he's ready to be calm and talk to me then we can play together. I know my temper. I know my weakness. What I don't know is where to draw the line. At least I'm honest. I won't hit my son or daughter because I'm not sure I would know when to stop. 

My children will be ready for this world. They will be ready to make it more beautiful. More caring. More humble and more loving. They will see anger and hate and bigotry and violence. And we will talk about it. We together as a family will decide how to deal with situations. My family. Not yours. Not society. Not the government. Not anybody else but us. 

Dear World, I want you to know...

If you are reading this and you are not my children, there is something really simple that I want to share with you, especially if you don't have kids yet. 

Dear Stranger, 

I know you get concerned when you see me in public. You see my son, full of energy and love and well...mostly energy. You see my daughter, firmly connected to me who is perhaps seeking reassurance. You may think my kids will never be independent. You may think that I'm spoiling them or coddling them or giving them too much of my attention. But there is something very simple I want you to know. 

These are my children. I say again. My. children. They are not yours or your friends. They do not belong to you nor are you responsible for them. So often people settle their eyes on the children who are loved and cared for while neglecting the children who really need that help. I want to assure you my kids are well fed. They are well loved. They are strong and brave and independent and wild.

I understand you may be concerned about the state of the world. When you see my son throw a tantrum in the store you may desire me to take him outside and leave my shopping so that you may enjoy Wal-Mart uninhibited by shrieks of exasperation from my child. But I want you to know something else. It is not my responsibility to make you happy or content. You are not owed anything by my children, least of all a world free from the sounds of childhood. In the same breath you accuse me of making my children unfit for the world you would tell me to stop my life to cater to you. 

Here's a secret. By calmly continuing my shopping, I am showing my son he can't pitch a fit to get what he wants. Even if he feels frustrated and wants to get down, there are some things we must do first. One day he will hold a job and he can't leave just because he feels cranky. And believe me, I hate hearing children scream. I do. It's nerve wracking and emotionally upsetting. But again, in the same breath that you hear a child crying you would then look at my perfectly peaceful child asleep in a sling next to my body and accuse me of spoiling. You, dear stranger, cannot have it both ways. 

I am not mad at you. You do not understand why my son is crying or my daughter is restless. It must appear to you that I am being horribly unfair to them by shopping when they are upset. Life goes on though. They learn that. I would love to give you a Dear Abby type response and tell you in fluffy terms just how crazy it is to assume things about people you don't know. I'm not Dear Abby though. I am just one mom, tired of the ridiculous expectations you have about parenting. 

If you are a parent, I support you. If you are not a parent, I support you. If you breastfeed or bottle feed or cloth diaper or use disposables I support you. If you color or read or sing or simply watch your kids play I support you. If you are different than me, I support you. If you are doing the best you know how, loving your kids and trying to make them ready for the crazy world we live in, I support you. It's not about doing everything some expert says, it's about doing what feels right. I don't know you, but I'm here somewhere raising my fist in solidarity with you. From one human being to another, here's to helping raise children who will inherit the world and change it for the better. 

Sincerely, One Mom 

A letter to my nephew

The letter

When my sister was pregnant with  my nephew she made the decision to give him up for adoption. She had picked a wonderful family who assured us that we would always have a place in his life and that he would know about us as the time came. They told us we could write letters and send him pictures. That we could visit him if we wanted to. They told us they would like for him to know us. So my mom wrote him a letter and my sister wrote him a letter and we sent him pictures and my sister visits him several times a year.

I am sitting here right now, very ashamed of myself because it has taken me 7 years to write this letter. I wish I could say I had noble reasons or that I was waiting for a grand revelation but the sad truth is that sometimes life gets ahead of you. You say to yourself that you'll do something tomorrow and tomorrow becomes a year ago and so on. But I'm writing this now, because I hope I can see him soon. And that one day, when he knows about us and reads it that he will know how very much he is loved. 

Dear Nathan, 

When you sit down to read these letters, I hope you aren't confused. You see I've written this 7 years after the other letters you will read. I don't know why it took me so long. I think I have always known what I wanted to say but there are some things that I had to experience myself before I could say them to you. I wonder when you read this, if you will feel anything at all for me. Will it make a difference to you that I'm your aunt by birth? That my children are your cousins? That I have loved you since the first time I held you in my arms and you wrapped your tiny hand around my finger? I wonder if you will feel angry or mad or resentful? I wonder if you will want to go on with your life and if you will choose to not allow us to have a part in it. 

I know these are very selfish questions. I was never adopted. I grew up in the family I was born into. I can't imagine what you will think or know or do or see. I imagine you will want to know why my sister made her decision. I can't say what was in her head, but I can tell you that the day my sister left the hospital and had to part from you was the hardest day of her life. I  know that she felt in her heart that giving you to your family was the best for you and that she misses you every day. My sister is my best friend. And I will be honest with you. I didn't want you to go to your family at first. I wanted you to come home with us. But there are some things that I realize now since becoming a mom that I didn't understand then. 

When I had my son, I imagine it was very bittersweet for my sister. I always knew my baby would come home with us so I could hold him as much as possible and love on him and never have to make the decision my sister made. My sister never tried to not get attached. She was hooked from the minute she laid eyes on you. She loved you more than anything or anyone since. I know how hard it must have been for her to say goodbye. But I also know that when God closes a door he opens another. My sister had the opportunity to complete your family. She chose your parents out of all the other people in the world to have you. They have a wonderful relationship. They never want you to doubt just how much you are loved. 

As I sit here writing to you, my children are playing on the floor in our home. When I look at my son, I catch fleeting glimpses of you when you were a baby. I see the energy and the pure love. I remember your 2nd birthday party when you played with me on the floor. I think that is one of my favorite memories because out of all the people to play with you chose to hand me your toy trains and play with me. I have seen you in pictures and videos. I wish I could visit you more often but we are a Navy family and I can't get to you as much as I'd like. 

But I will see you soon. And when I see you I don't want you to be scared. I will probably cry. My husband says I cry a lot. Being a mom makes you emotional. I hope you can feel how much I love you in every hug. I hope that you will allow me to sit with you and learn about you. I hope you will understand how much you mean to me. And when you grow up, I hope you will allow us to be a part of your life. I hope that you will find a way to be a part of both families. I never want you to doubt for one second how much you are loved. God has given you two wonderful families who care so much about you. 

So when I meet you, forgive me if I hug you too long. I'm trying to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short hours. If I stare at you with glazed eyes, it's because I'm trying to memorize the features of your face or the shape of your smile. If I gasp or smile, it's because you remind me so much of my sister, my best friend. And if it takes a while before we meet again, know that I will always love you so very very much. 

Love, Aunt Heather

Who is responsible for morality?

Miley's VMA blowup..

I'm having a really big problem right now. It started over a week ago when Miley Cyrus performed with Robin Thicke on the MTV VMA's. Her performance was extremely sexual, contained references to drugs, promiscuity and Robin's song was essentially date rape in a pretty package. Let me say before I go any further that these are my beliefs. I'm not trying to impose judgement on anyone. I don't care how you live your life as long as you're not hurting anyone or yourself. Your morals, ethics and values are your own and no one has the right to tell you how to live your life. Okay...now that the disclaimer is out of the way here goes. 

I had a really hard time watching that performance. I was physically uncomfortable and had to look away at some points. Tons of people cropped up the social media the next day railing on Miley Cyrus and it seems like everyone has their two cents about it. Her performance bothered me, but not for the reasons everyone seems to think it should have. I'll get to that later. What really bothered me, more than the performance, was the wild backlash on social media, Facebook, Twitter and the blogsphere. Everyone from femenazi's to stay at home moms to male comedians had their say about how Miley was trashy. They slut shamed, they imposed double standards and they built a soap box so high that we'll probably be tasting Tide in the rain for the next six years. What really bothered me, and some other people, was that no one said anything about Robin Thicke. You know...the 36 year old man on stage with her. The saying goes what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Apparently, this pre-choreographed and staged performance didn't raise anyone's moral red flags. That is what I have a problem with. 

Men and Women: Morality part 1

There are a whole host of double standards in this country for men and women. I'll let the hardcore femninists take care of that education on another day. As a parent of both a girl and a boy, I'm well aware of the wide disparity between how my children will live in society one day. I know that my son will have certain privileges and expectations of him as a man and likewise with my daughter as a woman. I get that men and women are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, different things we bring to the table so to speak. I understand that we will be treated according to what we do and say to a certain degree. I guess what profoundly disturbs me about the double standard is the way we push responsibility onto women for morality. 

In this country, sex is the highest selling asset on the market. Sex is everywhere and we've told our children, either outright or through media, that sex sells and their success hinges on how well they can use their assets. We push this on women especially. Think about it. Think about publications geared toward women and young girls. Think about movie stars and music performers. Think about how pervasive the idea of women as objects is throughout our culture. Then think about the polar opposite side of the aisle. Think of the moral activits. Think of the slut shamers and the people waiting in the wings for the next collosal trainwreck like Miley or Amanda Bynes. We have forced young women in between a rock and a hard place by telling them they have to be sexual to be popular and successful but if they're too free with their sexuality they are evil and repugnant and disgusting. 

Ahh but what about men? Men are lauded for the more sexual partners they have. We may call them a player or a philanderer but beneath those seemingly derogatory names runs an undercurrent of awe and wonder. Men are not held to the same stringent moral standards that women are. If a women does a walk of shame from a dorm room in college, she's labled a whore, a slut, easy...take your pick. Once her virginity is gone, her value as a moral human being is substantially diminished. Every sexual partner henceforth makes her more unclean. Less of a human being in the eyes of society. As a young man, the baton of adulthood is passed when you deflower yourself. As a woman, it comes when you menstruate and gain the ability to have children. 

And so it goes. The responsbility for morality in respect to sexuality is given to women. Social media backlash from the VMA's included a host of "How to talk to your daughters about Miley" posts. I saw one...one...about Robin Thicke. One post...in the whole of the internet....that was aimed at teaching boys how to respect their relationships with women, respect their own bodies, respect the huge committment that a sexual relationship represents. I was livid. I was and am furious, on behalf of my daughter and countless moms of girls everywhere. That the faceless mob of the internet would seek to shame my daughter and define her responsibility to herself before she has even said her first word is ridiculous. 

How do we stop the cycle? 

Contrary to all those "well-meaning" blogs out there and the soap boxers in the world, there isn't a magic formula for raising children. I don't think we can really change the morals of the adult world at this point. The world we live in tends to shape how and what we can teach our kids. See...a lot of people blame religion for the double standards. I have some thoughts about that. There are women in the Bible who are painted in an unflattering light. That much is true. Some of them also did some morally reprehensible things. But let's talk about that for a minute. The bible presents a snapsnot of certain moments in the time in their lives, not the entire life. And just as the bible presents us with Herodias, Delilah, Jezebel and so forth...we also see several Marys, Sarah, Ruth and lot of women who aren't murdering, thieving, crazy faces. 

Really, we have to take some responsbility at some point. I know as a parent, I feel a great personal responsibility with regard to how my children treat other people. I want to instill the same respect for all people, regardless of religion, sexual orientation and gender that my mom did for me. So I guess it starts by being straightforward with your kids and having that conversation. Do I think you need to sit your toddlers down right now and tell them that they need to respect one another and not view eachother as mindless sex object? No. But eventually, the conversation will come up. My daughter may ask why a young woman is dressed a certain way. My son may see people engaged in public displays of affection (extreme ones) and ask what they are doing. Maybe that's the door opening for me to start teaching them. 

I think a lot of the emphasis on sex comes from deep repression. As a parent, I believe you should set boundaries and your children should respect you. But when respect becomes fear, everything that you fear happening as a parent is bound to come true. So its a fine line we walk as parents. What do we teach and when do we teach it? Like it or not, there are differences between genders. We will never be entirely the same because society isn't there yet. The world isn't there yet. But it starts with having the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how hard it is. I know it will happen with us. I know too well the damage that can result from not teaching young men and women mutual respect. And I think the conversation does need to happen. 

The Lessons and Teachers

I think in our family, the biggest conversations will probably happen between myself and my daughter and my husband and our son. The interesting tradeoff for that is that I think the biggest underestimated influence is going to happen between my son and me and my husband and our daughter. We will talk to our kids and explicitly tell them these things. It is your body. You should respect yourself. You are people first. Treat each other with compassion and respect. You are more than the sum of your sexuality. I have no delusions. I know there's a good possibility my kids may have sex before marriage. But they will understand that sex is a serious commitment. It cannot be taken back. There is a level of trust and discretion expected between partners. They will understand that they are responsible for the image they present to the world and they will understand that a sexual relationship always comes with strings attached. 

The lesson will be tailored to each child, but I sure won't be telling my son his only responsibility is to use condoms as he leaves a trail of broken hearts along the way. He will understand when I say that some day someone could treat his sister that way. How would he feel then? Nor will I tell my daughter that she can wear whatever she wants, dance however she feels, and sleep her way through college and not expect some emotional backlash. She will understand when I tell her I'd give anything to have waited for her father and been true to myself.  I want to establish a level of trust and openness with my kids. I hope they can learn from my mistakes. I will be honest with them, knowing they will make their own mistakes one day. That's okay. I want them to feel comfortable with themselves. They will have their own journeys. Do their own soul searching. They will face the tough questions and make their own answers. But they will have a solid foundation to stand on and I hope they can stand there together. I hope they face the world hand in hand and help one another. I hope that when we are gone they can remind one another of the lessons we tried to teach them and that way I know we will always be there for them even after we leave this earth. 

Love one another as Christ loves you (an open letter to my kids)

Dear children of the future, 

As I sit here writing this to you, we live in a "post-racial" society. They tell me that means that we are all equal. They tell me it means no one is treated differently. That no one is given special treatment. That no one cries out "it's discrimination" every time a crime is perpetrated between two races. They tell me I shouldn't have to educate you about the difference in struggles between ethnic groups. They tell me that you, my blond haired blue eyed white children, will not have an easier life than anyone else on this planet. But whoever 'they' are, hasn't looked into the world and the internet. 

They say that who you love doesn't matter. They say we are all equal in the eyes of the law and that no one has their rights stripped 'in this day and age'. But 'they' still can't look my mom's gay cousin in the eye at family gatherings. 'They' think he's twisted and wrong. 'They' still think he chose to be this way and we should do everything in our power to make sure he doesn't destroy our way of life. 

Kids...I want you to know something. I believe in the bible. I believe there is truth in the word and healing in the scripture. But sometimes Christians get in the way of God's message. We're so busy telling other people what's wrong with them and how they should live that we forget to tend to our own home. I'm not the voice of God on earth. I don't have the authority to speak in His name. But there are some things I've learned about Him that I'd like to share with you. 

God is Love. Pure, Raw, Unadulterated Love. Everything meaningful in the Bible comes back to God's love for mankind. "For God so LOVED the world". God loves the whole world. Not just the world that looks like us, that has the same paycheck, tax code, skin color, eye color, denomination, or job. He doesn't love one of his children more than the other. He has as much love for the fallen sheep as the clean ones. He loves the CEO as much as the homeless man begging outside of his office. So let me be clear when I tell you that loving God makes you a whole human being but not superior to any other child of God. 

Today on the news, I read an article about an uproar because of a mixed race family in a Cheerios commerical. It made me sick to my stomach. There are people in our family who think this way. They espouse hate and bigotry and supremacy and it makes me weep to think of how broken they are. I never want you to be that way. I want you to have as much love for your white friends as your black and hispanic and every color in between. I want you to treat them as people who happen to be of an ethnic group instead of a race that happens to be your friend. People first. Qualities second. It should never be about what they are but who they are. 

So if you grow up and want to date someone who isn't white. That's a non issue. I want the person you end up married to to be the one who makes you happy. I want them to value you. I want you to value them. I want you to understand that people are all different. We come from different backgrounds and homes and schools of thought. Those things ...they make us different. We think differently and we judge things based on those differences. But we still have common ground. We are all people. We are all children of God. 

Don't pity people who have less than you. They don't deserve your pity. They deserve your respect. If you are in a position to help your fellow man, do so. Pity doesn't fill a stomach or pay a light bill. Don't cringe away from helping someone because it might be hard or there might be a barrier. There is a lesson for you in the struggle. You may never have to know what it's like living paycheck to paycheck. You may never know the choice between a bill and a meal. You may never know what it's like to have someone deny you service because of something you were born with. I pray these things don't happen in your lifetime but they've happened in mine.

The truth is, I don't know what it's like to be born black or hispanic or gay. I can't tell you what their struggle is like because I haven't lived it. And I can't tell you that every time a person cries 'discrimination' that it's unfounded. I think sometimes we are holding ourselves back relying on compartmentalizing people. Sometimes violence isn't about race or sexual preference. But then again sometimes it is. I would love to tell you that one day we won't kill one another for being born a certain way. That we won't tell one another we're dirty, filthy, immoral, godless, evil or wicked for loving someone. That we won't call one another filthy names and raise children filled with hate. I hope it comes true in your lifetime. I really do. 

All I know is that I can do my part. I can raise children without hate in their heart. I want you to know being who we are doesn't make us better, just different. I want you to know that different doesn't mean bad. That mainstream doesn't mean right. That things aren't always black and white. There is a whole world of people, good and bad, of all shapes and sizes. We can't judge people on what they look like on the outside. Often evil hides behind beauty. So make friends with all kinds of people. Learn their stories. Their wishes and dreams. Learn their struggles and triumphs. Embrace life with them. Hug them when they're hurting and lift them up in moments of despair. Protect one another from the outside world that seeks to corrupt innocence and strength. Love people for who they are, not what they are. 

And Kids....know that my love for you is not conditional on you being born 'the right way'. I love you for who you are, not what you are. You are my blessings. You are my reason for growth. My reasons for waking up and trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I can't promise you the world you inherit will be tolerant or equal. I can't promise you won't ever have to hear people slinging mud or shouting intolerance. I can't promise you won't weep for humanity or shake your head in disgust. But I do know that the good always shines through. I know that for every act of kindness or friendship the world becomes a little brighter. Just remember that even if the world lashes out at you for being kind, it is never a reason to stop being the wonderful people I know you will become. 

Love, Mom

When we allow freedom to ring-when we let it ring from every city and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protesants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "free at last, Free at last, Great God a-mighty, We are free at last." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

Forgiveness and Honesty

Forgiveness

There are many things I want to teach my children. Some things are easy to teach them because they make sense. You know...don't smear your poop on the carpet because then your room will stink. (For the record we're on day two of this lesson with Declan right now. He's a hardcore nudist....wonder where he gets it. ) Some of the lessons I want them to learn aren't easy to teach because I don't fully understand them myself. Forgiveness is one of those lessons I'm still working on. I think it's one of those things that is hard for a lot of people to understand because they aren't quite sure what forgiveness entails. 

See for me, there's an enormous amount of difference between forgiving someone for their sin or fault and giving them an opening to repeat the offense. The thing about forgiveness is that you have to mean it too. You can't tell someone you forgive them for breaking your mother's priceless china and then every time you get into a fight after that you bring up how they break everything that means a lot to you. It also matters how big the offense is that a person is being forgiven for. You really need to think about the fault before you extend your forgiveness. You can't take back wiping the slate clean. 

Let's really examine this for a minute...

I sometimes inwardly cringe whenever I hear someone utter the phrase "I forgive you". Mostly I do that because I'm witnessing a trainwreck of a relationship between two human beings who obviously don't know what it means to forgive or to be forgiven. We have some pretty good examples of forgiveness in the Bible. (Uh ... anyone heard of that Jesus guy? Yep...thought so). That whole "Forgive them father for they know not what they do thing" tends to stay with you. The son of God, after being brutally tortured for hours and hours spent some of his last moments on this earth praying to the Lord to forgive mankind. Now, that alone makes me sit up and take notice that maybe this whole forgiveness thing is more important than let on. But I also think we need to make some real concessions with regard to forgiveness. 

• Forgiveness is about you, not the other person. It doesn't make you some kind, benevolent, ultra human for extending forgiveness. 
• Forgiveness is about letting go of anger, pain, regret. It's soul cleansing. 
• Forgiveness means acknowledging that people are all flawed and taking these facts into consideration. 

Which brings me to my next point...

People are idiots. Okay..not all people. That's just silly. Honestly, we are all living our own truth. Every single person on the planet has a unique story and journey. Experience isn't universal so there will never be anyone who will truly understand your purpose, motivation and drive. There are bound to be misunderstandings. The best way I know to combat that is to be honest about things and as straightforward as the situation will allow you to be. Now with parenting that's a little bit tricky. I want to be honest about why I don't want my kids to do drugs or drink heavily but how much do I tell them? And what about when it's not my story to tell?

Forgiveness is hard because it goes against so many other things I want to teach my children. I want to teach my son to respect his relationships and teach my daughter that she deserves respect and fair treatment. I want them to respect their bodies, stand up for what they believe in, have morals, standards and to love openly. And if they make a mistake, I want them to know that there is forgiveness available and that they do deserve it if they are genuine in their contrition. I am just scared of them using forgiveness in the wrong way, as a weapon against reason and good sense. 

I've seen women in abusive relationships say through a busted lip and black eye 'but he said he was sorry'. I've seen good men cheated on, who have taken the woman back over and over all because she 'was sorry'. I've seen people do terrible things to one another and think that 'sorry' is the magic balm that makes it all better again. They think that they can continue to do horrible things as long as they say sorry after they've done it. 

Can I be honest? 

I have some great recommendations for forgiveness in my family. I also have some examples of people who will never learn their lesson. Relationships between parents and children, between spouses, between friends ....they're complex. Conflict sometimes arises because two people who are decent human beings separately are in a relationship dynamic that forces them into high stress situations where no one comes out looking good. 

When my son was born, my dad, who I did not have a good relationship with called to reconcile. He made a big deal of wiping the slate clean and I did so for the sake of my son. I issued forgiveness without even really forcing the conversation of what I was forgiving. I learned four months after my son was born, when we visited him, that this was a mistake on my part. I never articulated how I was hurt, the damage that was done, the emotional turmoil. I thought having a baby meant you should be extending the olive branch. The thing about that situation was that he didn't ask forgiveness for himself. Everytime something was brought up even in the remotest terms, he deflected or acted as though it never happened. It seemed to me that he'd rather pretend he was always the perfect father than acknowledge that he had done wrong. When approached he'd throw up the "we're putting the past behind us" roadblock and I knew I'd been hasty with my forgiveness.

But I do believe forgiveness is important. I do forgive him in the sense that I'm not allowing what he did to hold sway over me anymore. I don't let my mind stray to the hard moments. I don't seethe in anger when I talk to him on the phone. I listen with as much compassion as I can, while ultimately knowing that my relationship with my father will never be what my children have with theirs. I've made peace with it. I won't allow that to color his relationship with his grandchildren, but I also will be honest with them about it when they're old enough. If he backslides into toxitcity, I will not allow it to affect my kids. That's the price we pay for forgiveness. 

Part of the solace I do find in my relationship with God is that there is forgiveness. I know that I make mistakes and if I do so and seek forgiveness God will bestow it. Some people think it's a trite sort of cliche the whole forgiveness thing...that you can do whatever you want and God will just make it okay. But I don't act without thinking. For me, the fact that there is forgiveness just makes me want to be a better person. That God has forgiven me once is enough. I want to make it my mission to not need to say 'sorry'. I want to make sure that when I do have to say sorry it is because I mean it with my entire being. In our house, I want forgiveness to mean something and to be bestowed with thought and care.  My hope is that my children learn that forgiveness is healing but ultimately I hope that they live in such a way that they need not be forgiven for huge injustices. I hope we can teach them the compassion and strength of spirit to be able to forgive others and open the door to peace and serenity. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 

Loving the skin you're in...

Some hard truths

Many years from now, when my kids read this, they will probably have a very hard time rationalizing the mom in this post from the mom who drives them to school. We all have different journeys and we are each living our own truths. I'd like to be able to say that I was always comfortable with who I am but that's not the case and that is a hard truth. I'm sure we'd all love to be able to say that we've always made good decisions and have no major regrets and that we have nothing to fear from life and the world in general....but that's not always the case and that's a hard truth. I'd love to be able to say that I've always had as much faith in God as he has in me but I know that's not the case...and for me that's a very hard truth. 

But I started this blog journey so that I could see growth spiritually and mentally, forgetting that I had already grown so much. Most of my growth has come from some dynamic people being introduced into my life. It's been said that you never truly know what your beliefs are until you see them challenged. For me, that challenge has come from a lot of places and people who at one time I'm sure I prayed would just leave alone. But as they say...God has a plan. 

Being comfortable in my own skin

People who see me today or who have met me recently would undoubtedly tell you I'm confident in myself, strong in my beliefs and have a smart mouth...that I get a lot. There was a time though, when I would have given anything to fade into the background and go with the flow. Where to begin...ah

This might be awkward for you to read but no less awkward in the telling. I come from a well endowed family. At the age of 14, I had the body parts of a 1940's pinup with the fragile sensibility of a teenage girl. For some people, this might seem like a huge blessing, but I spent the better part of my highschool years wishing I was flat chested and skinny. I'm sure the other side wishes the reverse, but they've never been on the receiving end. Imagine if you can, at the age of 14 being leered at by grown men, no matter how demure your clothing was. Imagine buying it a size or even two sizes too large to attempt to look more modest. Imagine people making the assumption that you were loose because of your body type. Imagine, if you can, having a crush on an older boy and him paying attention to you only to realize that he hadn't listened to anything you'd told him because he'd been staring so hard at your rack. I mean I could give you a dozen examples of how it sucked. And it sucked for me especially because I've always been in advanced classes. Smart girls aren't supposed to be stacked or voluptuous I guess. As much as I was blessed with my body, I felt trapped by it. I was scared to run or be athletic in gym class because boys whistled and hooted when I ran and I got so embarrassed I'd cry. At 14...that's unbearable.  

I didn't begin to like my body until I joined the Navy. Suddenly...my body worked for me. Like..really worked. I saw women of all shapes and sizes and they were kicking tail! Of course, it helped that if a boy looked your way he would get beaten into submission. Thanks for that Navy. I became strong and realized for the first time that my body didn't have to be a cage. The Navy started it...but my kids....my kids finished my body image revolution. Pregnancy is an experience unlike any other. My body grew these kids and gave birth to them and when I held my son in my arms and began to nurse I felt my body image problems melt away. Suddenly...these burdens that had always drawn eyes now fed my baby. They comforted him and bonded us together. And now... they still draw eyes but I don't mind. Those eyes are seeing a powerful bond between mother and child. They're seeing a strength and focus and power that I have inside of me. They're seeing me. 

Make good decisions

I think as parents we'd all like to be able to say that we raised decent human beings. As hard as we try we can still end up with a kid who grows up to pull a Miley Cyrus. I assume that when my kids read this, she will no longer be relevant but who knows...twerking may be vogue in 2050? See the thing is... I think we should all be prepared for a period of stupid decisions. My kids may surprise me and always walk the straight and narrow...but their dad did have a tongue piercing and dye his hair blond with spikes ( it was the 2000's don't hold it against him) and their mother ... listen if you really want to know...come find me and we'll talk. I hope they don't falter...but I also plan on being honest with my kids when they ask me about things I've done. When we catch them underage drinking and ground them and they holler at me "You've never done anything fun in your life" I may sit down and tell them about the time I woke up and couldn't find my keys or shoes and had to tiptoe around my friends house at 5 am searching. That might be funny. But the honest is going to be raw at some point. We're going to touch on things that I'm ashamed of or regret or wish had never happened. I'm going to be honest because I think that our darkest moments have the potential to produce the most growth. I know that some of the most profound things I've ever learned from my mom have come from some of her most raw, honest stories. I understand now things about my mom in raising us that I never would have before kids. I'm not sure why my mom didn't choke me until I turned blue sometimes....but that's a tale for another day. 

The most important thing 

I love my mother in law. Between her and my mom I have so much inspiration for meaningful parenting. She once told me that when she was younger she wasn't the Christian she is today. I think that's true of a lot of us. We see a lot of things in the world and we think...God should fix this. But I think the biggest eye opener for my relationship with God came once I became a parent. Think of the most famous bible verse you know... maybe John 3:16..."For God so loved the World that he gave his one and only son"...

I cannot imagine how gut wrenching it would be to knowingly send your child into what is essentially a war zone, knowing he was going to be brutally slaughtered all so mankind could have some kind of redemption. I don't know that I could do it...but it's powerful. And I approach my relationship with God by trying to make it my relationship with humanity and the example I set for my children. I want them to be kind, courageous and selfless. I want them to be a living, breathing example of the grace of God on earth. God so loved the world...the entire world...not the world minus the gays or the world minus the murderers or the world minus the guy who broke your heart in 10th grade. I've learned that I don't get to decide where God works or how he works. I only know that I can let God work through me. I read a book once called The Shack where a man got to spend a weekend with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Throughout the story the man confronts God about all the awful things that happen in the world, including the murder of his child. What we don't get is that if you believe in God, you believe we are all his children. As a parent, when my children make mistakes it hurts me because I know they can do better, but at some point I have to let them live their own lives. It's not in my power to shield them from everything. I just hope that they trust in their parents enough to let us help lead them. And though there may come a period of doubt or weakening of faith, I know that God will eventually bring them home. I have faith that in their journey, my children have the ability to touch countless lives by being genuinely good people. That opens the door. To love one another as Christ loves us can change the world. 

And if they get bogged down by all the evils in the world...I'll just tell them what J.R.R Tolkein told me 

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

5 Things you should never say to parents of young children

The list

As a mom...there are some things I hear on a near daily basis. They were funny at first. Then they were kinda irritating. Now I go into full blown inner howler monkey mode when I hear people say these things. Let me preface this list by saying that it's not so much the phrase as the spirit of intent behind it. Someone could say one of these things perfectly innocuously and not mean anything by it. Yet, I've learned through this journey that sometimes people can hide a lot of malice behind "nice" words. I've had people say some of these things and been perfectly kind and polite too. But, as with most things in life, it's better to err on the side of caution. And really...if you remember what it's like raising kids you know that some days you are hanging by the skin of your teeth. Some days..the kids are winning and you're half a step away from tossing your child out of a moving vehicle in front of their grandparent's driveway and hauling butt for the interstate. Somedays you're on top of the world...but on the offchance that it's an "interstate dash" kind of day...don't say these things to parents

5. "You've got your hands full"...

This one I get at least once a day. Usually on the coattails of the person seeing me struggling to open the door to the car or the grocery store or the restaurant while frantically trying to peel my screeching toddler from my legs, keep the pacifier in the baby's mouth and find my car keys or wallet or another miscellaneous item ...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I think sometimes it might be people looking for an opening to help, but someone our society has collectively adopted a massive case of stranger danger so we'd rather see a one mom circus than offer to open a door or hold a bag. Listen, I'm not about to hand someone one of my kids or my wallet for goodness sake, but I don't think Johnny randompants is going to take off with my box of organic cheerios gleefully shouting "There's a sucker born every minute" if I take him up on his offer to grab something. Most of the time, if there's an offer of help, I politely decline if I'm in good enough shape. But let me tell you something....on the "interstate dash" days ...when I hear someone say "You've got your hands full" after I watched them watch me struggle to open the door to a restaurant and I know they can see me about to drop one of my squirming children/bags/phone/keys and they smugly utter that phrase...I honestly want to hand my kids to a perfect stranger and have a mini hunger games in the parking lot. 

4. "Sounds like someone is cranky" ...

This one usually gets dropped by malicious people. In fact, I think I've heard this uttered sincerely about half a dozen times in my life. It's a person's way of saying " Your child is a walking catastrophe and is ruining my day". Listen...can we just...can we take a minute here and have a come to Jesus moment? Okay...here's a secret...us parents didn't have a tent meeting one day and just decide to bring our kids into public and then prod them into having a tantrum for the sole purpose of wallowing in pleasure as we watch you non kid having foks self-desruct. If I can be painfully honest for a moment, it drives me insane when my toddler melts down. I do not like to attract public scrutiny. I do not argue in public, I don't have screaming matches at Wal-mart...it's just not my style. It's quite embarrassing for me when poor D has a tantrum because he's tired or ill or any other number of reasons. The difference is that I know its developmentally on target. He's 19 months...not 19 years. He can't express what he wants or needs. He can't tell me he wants a nap or that he's upset or that his head hurts. If I play 20 questions I might be able to get him to sign that he's thirsty but by that time, I could also be done shopping. At some point, we parents figured out that it's easier and faster to get in and out. I get that it's not fun to hear a child screaming, but kids have tantrums for dozens of reasons. I can't and won't live like a hermit for fear of a public tantrum. I'll get to my car and have as much of a candid conversations as I can with my child and try to get to what he's trying to express but doesn't have the words. 

3. "Isn't he/she a little old for that"...

To be honest, I haven't gotten this one a lot. I know that I will though because I plan on breastfeeding my daughter until at least 1 and who knows...maybe longer. Now before you go all "You're scarring your child for life" on me, I'll have you know that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until at least 1 while the American Academy of Pediatrics says until at least 2. Now if you don't want to do that, good for you. I don't want to go too deeply into the whole Mommy debate because quite frankly, It ain't my kid. I don't care what you do with your kids as long as it isn't harmful to them. Seriously though...I don't understand why so many people give a hoot about what other people do with their kids. If breastfeeding a toddler isn't in your game plan okay...but why do you care if I do it or Mary down the block or Tina over in Vermont? It's not your kid. Parenting is a different journey for everyone and I don't expect people to identify with what I do if it's not their style. Our baby sleeps in bed with us because I breastfeed her 4-5 times a night and frankly I'm a little too lazy to stay up and nurse her in a rocking chair. I'm tired. If you see a kid with a binkie or a bottle or a diaper or whatever and they seem too old? Let it go and mind your own business. It's not your child. It isn't as though if you say something about it, that parent will have some great revelation and follow your advice. I've got news for you, parenting is a sensetive issue and telling someone they might be developmentally screwing their kids isn't going to win you any friends. It's more likely to hugely backfire and blow up in your face. 

2. "Oh well my kid..." 

Listen, this is for my fellow parents. Or past parents because I've heard people with grown kids use this too. Mostly it's used in a sort of 'mine is better than yours' way. I do not care what your kids did developmentally or when it happened. If little Suzie spoke in full sentences at 2 months that's crazy impressive...but it doesn't affect me or my children. I'm genuinely interested in hearing where kids are at  or hearing funny stories about milestones or hearing stories about family members growing up. What I'm not interested in hearing is your brag list so you can make a dig at someone. I don't know if you know this or not...milestones aren't really a huge indicator or intelligence. Some kids are just good at walking. They walk early and they fall...a lot. Some kids go from crawling everywhere one day to walking the very next day. They study and plan until they know they can do it successfully. It's all a matter of degrees. Declan comes from two very analytical/math/sciencey minds. He's not really very verbal now and it's not a huge shock. Both of his parents are analytical thinkers. He may be like my friend's brother and just not want to talk to people. His mom found him talking to himself in full sentences in a closet at age 3. Some kids are like that. The point being, don't use your kids and their development as some sort of competetive edge. Your child is a human being, separate from you with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. They deserve your respect every bit as much as an adult and when you hijack them and their accomplishments in order to put someone else down and a child at that, it diminishes so much the value of those accomplishments. 

1. "He/she is so spoiled"...

I love it when people say this to me. It started from the first month Declan was alive. First it's the looming warning..."Don't go rush to him every time he cries or you'll spoil him". Then it's "Let him cry for a while or you'll spoil him" . Then it's "You can't hold him/ hug him/ play with him/ give him what he wants all the time or it'll spoil him". 

First of all...ahahahahahaha wooo ahahahahaha haha hahah ahahhaah ...oh man ...hold on there I think I got a side cramp from laughing so hard. Do you understand how crazy that sounds? You can't spoil a child with love. From the moment they are born, you have given your heart and soul to a child that you chose to bring into the world. All they know is your love. Your smiles. Your singing. Your hugs. Your warm cuddles. Your bath time/playtime/feeding time. You see...to a baby...those things are all expressions of your love. To a toddler ...those are all expressions of your love. I find it incredibly ironic that our society teaches us to force independence on our children from infancy but we hover over them in adulthood. I'm not saying you should bow to every whim of your child. My kid can want a hot fudge sunday until the cows come home but he's not getting one. I also don't arbitrarily say no and leave it at that. I take the time to explain why he cannot have one and give him a hug and send him on his way and 5 minutes later he's eating dirt and chasing the dog and having a grand old time. 

Most people make the assumption a child is spoiled because they throw a tantrum for wanting something. Developmentally, that's pretty natural. Obviously you don't want to foster that behavior but it's something to work on. My 19 month old can't tell me he wants a snack so he gestures and intonates loudly to get my attention. What you see as a tantrum is likely a child getting incredibly frustrated that he can't make you understand what he needs or wants. There are some children who are given everything they want. That's probably wrong but it's not my kid. Those are also older children who can reason and think and manipulate. Telling a parent they've spoiled their child is telling them they've done something wrong. It's telling them that giving love and reassurance and attention to a child is wrong. Call me crazy if you will but I just think if kids know without a shadow of a doubt that you love them and you're beside them no matter what that they can trust you...they will come to you with their questions and they'll rely on you for support and they won't seek external validation from negative sources. So you can call my kids spoiled if you'd like, but I'm going to tell you one thing....my children will never ever doubt my love for them and if that's spoiling them...guilty as charged!

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peek-a-boo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

-Unknown

Strong Moms, Strong Daughters

Time to meet Evie Grace 

I introduced you to my son in a previous blog and I think it's about time you meet the newest addition to the Nerd herd. Evangeline Grace Savela. She was born on March 29, 2013 after a hard 42 hours of labor. We pulled out every trick in the book to get this little girl here and it's been a journey. 

Evie's first four months of life haven't been the easiest learning curve. Her dad is in the Navy so by necessity he was gone for the first three months, leaving just 4 days after she was born. And though I try to be the best mom I can, spreading yourself over two kids and acting as both parents isn't the easiest task to accomplish. People tell me all the time "I don't know how you do it" and the truth is, our family does this because we have no choice. We succeed, we make it through the days and we persevere because defeat is not an option. That winning smile right there is a balm to my soul. Can you tell my kids come by their dimples honestly? 

The truth about this little girl is that she makes me very introspective. I've never been a popular girl. I embrace my geekiness and wear it proudly. I embrace the fact that I'm intelligent and that I'm bookish. I embrace my tomboy characteristics and my brash, bold mouth because I learned a long time ago that if you can't love yourself, you can never expect anyone else to either. Parenting in general is making me question a lot of things I never expected to question. 

Raising a young woman

If you think there isn't a difference between raising boys and girls, you may want to skip this next section. *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER FEMENISM ALERT FEMENISM ALERT SPOILER SPOILER

Okay sorry...feminism has been given a totally bad rap, much like other things, because of the extremists. I am a feminist. To me that means that I believe in equal pay for equal work. I believe that the worth of a person shouldn't be based on the ability to procreate. I believe men and women are intellectual equals. I know that women are still paid $.70 on the dollar to what a man makes for the same work and I find that disgusting. If you don't think that women are at a distinct disadvantage from the outset I'd invite you to look at the 3 biggest enemies to women that I see: the  media,  magazines, and ourselves. 

I hate reality television with a passion. No...I'm not talking about some of the cutesie shows on TLC like Little Couple or 19 kids and counting...I'm talking to you MTV. First of all let me say that teen pregnancy is a reality in this country. It's tough but its true. But whoever thought was a brilliant idea to pay and film teenagers who got pregnant to "show how hard it was" is an idiot. If you want a litmus test for the success of that show in PREVENTING pregnancy, check out how many of its cast members got pregnant again within 2-3 years. Quite a few...just so you know. And you know what sickens me about that show? It doesn't show the other side of the coin....the moms who decided that they couldn't given their children the life they wanted and gave them to another family to raise. My older sister is probably one of the bravest people I know. She became pregnant at age 18 and made a very tough decision to give her son a better life with another family. I remember thinking that I don't know how anyone could do that and I'm sure she got more than her share of criticism. But these shows with pregnant teens don't show how hard raising a kid is. The grandparents raise the children and the baby daddy is off in left field doing lord knows what. One time in the shows history, they taped a girl who gave her baby up. To me...that's a travesty. You know what's worth filming? People like my sister, who I watched hand her son over to be raised by another family with tears in her eyes and a prayer in her heart that he would always remember how much she loved him. And don't mistake me, this is NOT a critique of teen parents. I respect the heck of of teen parents who make the sacrifices. But let's be honest...we are not our best selves at 17 and one day your kids are going to see this....is Teen MOMS the legacy you want to leave? 

Besides that we have Toddlers and Tiaras. Again ...no disrespect to pageant peformers but let's be honest with ourselves. Those kids are not learning anything. I've seen the show. The kids are not having fun. They're exhausted, emotionally stunted, and being pushed to perform. Let's not even talk about the sexualized costumes like Dolly Parton or the hooker costume from Pretty Woman. Putting all that aside let's talk about how the Mom's coach the little girls and they're petty to one another. Let's talk about the layers of spray tan and make-up and the adult themes and the abundance of poor decision making. What do these shows teach my daughter? That her only value lies in her ability to produce children and that she is not beautiful without layers of make-up and pretty clothes? It's not the t.v's job to raise our kids. I know that. But can we be a little bit responsible about the message we're putting out there for the world to see? 

Catfights and Cosmo

Alright. Time for a little confessional here. I know that I've used this phrase before "I get along with boys so much better. Girls are just crazy". Haven't we all? Do we even know where it comes from anymore? I've met some crazy women...for sure, but no less proportional than the number of guys who ought to be professional jerk bags. Woven through our culture is this idea that women can't trust one another...or their own voices or their own strength. We have raised our daughters to forget the wisdom of our past generations. Woman have forgotten the strength we have as a group. We've forgotten the tremendous self worth and unity and solidarity we have when fighting the same battle. It's true that I haven't had an abundance of female friends and when you look to thinks like reality t.v. that glorifies that sort of scrappy female on female fighting is it any wonder? 

I want my daughter to trust in her own voice. I want her to trust in her body...that she knows what is best for her, that she can bring forth life and embrace change, that she can rely on her community of women to help her, that she can nurture and comfort and won't be judged for her decisions based on her reproductive equipment. Women are our own worst enemy. In seeking to promote change, sometimes we forget we have a common goal. Women have strengths across the board. If one day Evie wants to be a corporate tycoon and change the world I support her 100%...but that's no less than  I would support her if she decides to become as stay at home mom, or yoga instructor or school teacher because in doing any of those things she will also change the world. She changes the world just by being her and being alive. 

I want her to know that just because all the magazines have skinny women and 25 tips to drive your man wild in bed, she is no less of a woman if she's a size 16 and her worth is not measured by her ability to sexually gratify another human being. I want her to know that if a man deserves her body he will have first learned to love her soul. I want her to know that she has so much potential to explore and be and do. I want her to know it's okay to be smart. It's good to question and wonder and think. I want her to know that women are strong. I want her to know she comes from a line of strong women and that I will be proud of her no matter what. 

I think though, in some ways...these are things that I will have to tell her on a daily basis. Being a girl means being the emotional center of a family. Even at 4 months old, Evie lives in a much higher state of anxiety than her brother. She's always looking and emoting so much that I know she gets things. She may be like her mother, and experience some things with such profound emotional depth that she cries and can't explain why she's crying. She may be like her Aunt B and love fiercely and independently and give her whole heart because that's the only way she can love...all the way. She may be like her Mimi and be a pillar of strength for her family, imbuing her daughters with the selfsame confidence and vitality that she has in abundance. 

Mostly though, I hope she gets a lot from her dad. I hope she is comfortable in her skin like he is. I hope she loves completely and shows it in all of her actions as he does. I hope she has the same happiness and effervescent joy that her dad and brother share. I hope she knows how much he loves her and that he values her mind, body and soul. I hope she inherits his sense of humor and can laugh at herself. I hope she embraces her intelligence and our love of all things oddball. I hope she can recite Star Wars episodes IV-V1( because the other three didn't happen) and quote Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter in love letters and I hope she finds someone who will do all the things for her that her father has done for me. I hope she finds her Dan. 

Be gentle with your requests....I'm raising a nerd herd

The nerd herd hates cars

I hate traveling...more than cleaning, cooking, diapering and shopping with no money combined. Why do I hate traveling? Take a look at the back seat of my car on any given day and I'm sure you can figure it out. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon. You see...back there amidst the battle field of disfigured goldfish crackers and teddy grahams, the piles of blankets and binkies and sippy cups and toy giraffes that cost $23.99 at Baby's R Us....there are two children who absolutely loathe riding in car seats. Perhaps it is the the urge to run  naked that consumes my eldest all day long or his fascination with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that drives his angst or perhaps it is the little one's incessant need to be held, loved on and chatted to every waking moment of our lives....who can say? The point is that these two kids hate infant safety devices with a fiery passion and have no problem letting you, me and the surrounding 15 cars on the highway know about their disgruntled state of being...which makes for excellent driving music by the way. 

As much as I hate traveling though, it's a necessary way of life. I can't go on strike from the car. I need to go to the store and to walk and to do things that help me retain my sanity. Little car trips aren't usually so bad though. It's the 6 hour trek home to Dallas that blows or the 3 1/2 hour trip to Disney. And I hate that because I love those places! And the kids love their grandparents and aunties and we love going back to church there. If they  ever perfect "beaming me up" and make it safe for kids...I'll be all over that like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. There is a whole host of things I'd rather do than sit in a car for that long with my kids. Some of them include: 

• Attempting to baptise a cat
• Working on calculus problems for funsies
• filling a cavity with no novocaine
• Tweezing my leg hair individually
• Eating all my meals, regardless of consistency, with a straw

People forget what it's like

One of the most difficult things for me to get over as a parent now is people telling me how things "aren't so bad".  Sometimes they point out how they didn't have such and such back in the day. They did x, y and z and it was way harder. Listen...don't compare your chapter 35 to my chapter 7. I have no idea what it's like to live, work and raise kids in 1923. I have to work with what I have now and maybe it was 100 times harder when you were raising your kids but I don't know that. I have to work with the scale I have now and you know what? Sometimes I want to imbibe copious amounts of margaritas when I hear that a long car drive is around the bend. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I love my family and I wish we lived closer because my kids have got some kick butt grandparents and aunties and uncles. 

And we're just talking about a car drive here. What about airplanes? Yeah...I see you all looking around suddenly staring at your shoes. Do you know how much I dread getting on a plane. That's a flying death trap with my hyperactive toddler in it and no way out. I can't let him run around or scream or shake his head or eat his weight in goldfish because all Delta has is cookies, nuts and canned beverages. This leads to a screaming kid. Do yo know what kids like? Routine...they love routine because they know that after dinner comes bathtime and after bathtime comes bedtime and they know what's coming and it's not a shock and their world doesn't collapse and the skies don't fall because they know they're getting yogurt at dinner and will get to watch two episodes of MMC before bed. When you throw off the routine, chaos ensues. Toddlers are running the aisles setting fire to luggage and throwing peanuts at people who are allergic and the flight attendants are hollering and suddenly you're being molested by TSA agents while getting shot with rubber bullets by an air marshall and all you wanted to do was visit your relatives on the other coast. 

But always...always I get the people who think it should be that easy to just snap your fingers and go. Traveling with kids is packing certain snacks because your toddler has a discerning palette. It's making sure you have extras of everything and his favorite toy because he won't sleep without it. It's gathering all the medicines and the emergency DVDs to stave off the tantrum. It's diapers and toys and clothes and toiletries. It's packing yourself a small bag and praying you can get all of your child's precious items there and back. It's leaning over the carseat breastfeeding while driving 70 mph down the highway. It's coffee every 3 hours and praying constantly "God...just get us there safely and quickly and I promise I'll never say the terrible things I'm thinking out loud to my children." 

Plato once said "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".  Things are hard for all of us and a lot of times I think we forget that. The message at church this Sunday was a really good reminder for me because Brian was abundantly clear about us not being promised no hard times and quoted John 16:33. " I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart. I have overcome the world". The whole underlying theme of course was making Christ the center of our lives. My husband and I always have really deep discussions on the way home from visiting family and I love that aspect of trips. It's time that I really value in my marriage because it shows me how much we've grown as a couple and parents. On the way home this past time we discussed our kids a lot and how we want to intentionally raise them. We want to be better at saying grace at meals because Poppy Tony says blessed food tastes better (it's true...Dan said he could taste it).  We want to say prayers at bedtime and show our kids that God works through everything. And it hit me as I got to unpacking that the little paper they give us when we pick our kids up from Church that right there was a tool to help my travel problems and my Christ-centrification. They have these activities to help you work God into conversation with your toddler. It occurs to me that maybe I'm looking at this wrong. I mean...I'm not deluded...long travel is going to suck no matter what...but what if I can take those moments of calm and use it to talk about really meaningful things, like how God works in our lives or how to treat people kindly or how to eat all our vegetables. What if I can transform our time in the car to a place where open, honest discussion can happen. I might be idealistic but if the car becomes a safe zone where we talk about things that matter, I might begin to hate it less. I might not ever grow to love it. But maybe I can come to the place where insanity meets calm and sit on the fence proudly.