Miley's VMA blowup..
I'm having a really big problem right now. It started over a week ago when Miley Cyrus performed with Robin Thicke on the MTV VMA's. Her performance was extremely sexual, contained references to drugs, promiscuity and Robin's song was essentially date rape in a pretty package. Let me say before I go any further that these are my beliefs. I'm not trying to impose judgement on anyone. I don't care how you live your life as long as you're not hurting anyone or yourself. Your morals, ethics and values are your own and no one has the right to tell you how to live your life. Okay...now that the disclaimer is out of the way here goes.
I had a really hard time watching that performance. I was physically uncomfortable and had to look away at some points. Tons of people cropped up the social media the next day railing on Miley Cyrus and it seems like everyone has their two cents about it. Her performance bothered me, but not for the reasons everyone seems to think it should have. I'll get to that later. What really bothered me, more than the performance, was the wild backlash on social media, Facebook, Twitter and the blogsphere. Everyone from femenazi's to stay at home moms to male comedians had their say about how Miley was trashy. They slut shamed, they imposed double standards and they built a soap box so high that we'll probably be tasting Tide in the rain for the next six years. What really bothered me, and some other people, was that no one said anything about Robin Thicke. You know...the 36 year old man on stage with her. The saying goes what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Apparently, this pre-choreographed and staged performance didn't raise anyone's moral red flags. That is what I have a problem with.
Men and Women: Morality part 1
There are a whole host of double standards in this country for men and women. I'll let the hardcore femninists take care of that education on another day. As a parent of both a girl and a boy, I'm well aware of the wide disparity between how my children will live in society one day. I know that my son will have certain privileges and expectations of him as a man and likewise with my daughter as a woman. I get that men and women are different. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, different things we bring to the table so to speak. I understand that we will be treated according to what we do and say to a certain degree. I guess what profoundly disturbs me about the double standard is the way we push responsibility onto women for morality.
In this country, sex is the highest selling asset on the market. Sex is everywhere and we've told our children, either outright or through media, that sex sells and their success hinges on how well they can use their assets. We push this on women especially. Think about it. Think about publications geared toward women and young girls. Think about movie stars and music performers. Think about how pervasive the idea of women as objects is throughout our culture. Then think about the polar opposite side of the aisle. Think of the moral activits. Think of the slut shamers and the people waiting in the wings for the next collosal trainwreck like Miley or Amanda Bynes. We have forced young women in between a rock and a hard place by telling them they have to be sexual to be popular and successful but if they're too free with their sexuality they are evil and repugnant and disgusting.
Ahh but what about men? Men are lauded for the more sexual partners they have. We may call them a player or a philanderer but beneath those seemingly derogatory names runs an undercurrent of awe and wonder. Men are not held to the same stringent moral standards that women are. If a women does a walk of shame from a dorm room in college, she's labled a whore, a slut, easy...take your pick. Once her virginity is gone, her value as a moral human being is substantially diminished. Every sexual partner henceforth makes her more unclean. Less of a human being in the eyes of society. As a young man, the baton of adulthood is passed when you deflower yourself. As a woman, it comes when you menstruate and gain the ability to have children.
And so it goes. The responsbility for morality in respect to sexuality is given to women. Social media backlash from the VMA's included a host of "How to talk to your daughters about Miley" posts. I saw one...one...about Robin Thicke. One post...in the whole of the internet....that was aimed at teaching boys how to respect their relationships with women, respect their own bodies, respect the huge committment that a sexual relationship represents. I was livid. I was and am furious, on behalf of my daughter and countless moms of girls everywhere. That the faceless mob of the internet would seek to shame my daughter and define her responsibility to herself before she has even said her first word is ridiculous.
How do we stop the cycle?
Contrary to all those "well-meaning" blogs out there and the soap boxers in the world, there isn't a magic formula for raising children. I don't think we can really change the morals of the adult world at this point. The world we live in tends to shape how and what we can teach our kids. See...a lot of people blame religion for the double standards. I have some thoughts about that. There are women in the Bible who are painted in an unflattering light. That much is true. Some of them also did some morally reprehensible things. But let's talk about that for a minute. The bible presents a snapsnot of certain moments in the time in their lives, not the entire life. And just as the bible presents us with Herodias, Delilah, Jezebel and so forth...we also see several Marys, Sarah, Ruth and lot of women who aren't murdering, thieving, crazy faces.
Really, we have to take some responsbility at some point. I know as a parent, I feel a great personal responsibility with regard to how my children treat other people. I want to instill the same respect for all people, regardless of religion, sexual orientation and gender that my mom did for me. So I guess it starts by being straightforward with your kids and having that conversation. Do I think you need to sit your toddlers down right now and tell them that they need to respect one another and not view eachother as mindless sex object? No. But eventually, the conversation will come up. My daughter may ask why a young woman is dressed a certain way. My son may see people engaged in public displays of affection (extreme ones) and ask what they are doing. Maybe that's the door opening for me to start teaching them.
I think a lot of the emphasis on sex comes from deep repression. As a parent, I believe you should set boundaries and your children should respect you. But when respect becomes fear, everything that you fear happening as a parent is bound to come true. So its a fine line we walk as parents. What do we teach and when do we teach it? Like it or not, there are differences between genders. We will never be entirely the same because society isn't there yet. The world isn't there yet. But it starts with having the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how hard it is. I know it will happen with us. I know too well the damage that can result from not teaching young men and women mutual respect. And I think the conversation does need to happen.
The Lessons and Teachers
I think in our family, the biggest conversations will probably happen between myself and my daughter and my husband and our son. The interesting tradeoff for that is that I think the biggest underestimated influence is going to happen between my son and me and my husband and our daughter. We will talk to our kids and explicitly tell them these things. It is your body. You should respect yourself. You are people first. Treat each other with compassion and respect. You are more than the sum of your sexuality. I have no delusions. I know there's a good possibility my kids may have sex before marriage. But they will understand that sex is a serious commitment. It cannot be taken back. There is a level of trust and discretion expected between partners. They will understand that they are responsible for the image they present to the world and they will understand that a sexual relationship always comes with strings attached.
The lesson will be tailored to each child, but I sure won't be telling my son his only responsibility is to use condoms as he leaves a trail of broken hearts along the way. He will understand when I say that some day someone could treat his sister that way. How would he feel then? Nor will I tell my daughter that she can wear whatever she wants, dance however she feels, and sleep her way through college and not expect some emotional backlash. She will understand when I tell her I'd give anything to have waited for her father and been true to myself. I want to establish a level of trust and openness with my kids. I hope they can learn from my mistakes. I will be honest with them, knowing they will make their own mistakes one day. That's okay. I want them to feel comfortable with themselves. They will have their own journeys. Do their own soul searching. They will face the tough questions and make their own answers. But they will have a solid foundation to stand on and I hope they can stand there together. I hope they face the world hand in hand and help one another. I hope that when we are gone they can remind one another of the lessons we tried to teach them and that way I know we will always be there for them even after we leave this earth.
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