A letter to my nephew

The letter

When my sister was pregnant with  my nephew she made the decision to give him up for adoption. She had picked a wonderful family who assured us that we would always have a place in his life and that he would know about us as the time came. They told us we could write letters and send him pictures. That we could visit him if we wanted to. They told us they would like for him to know us. So my mom wrote him a letter and my sister wrote him a letter and we sent him pictures and my sister visits him several times a year.

I am sitting here right now, very ashamed of myself because it has taken me 7 years to write this letter. I wish I could say I had noble reasons or that I was waiting for a grand revelation but the sad truth is that sometimes life gets ahead of you. You say to yourself that you'll do something tomorrow and tomorrow becomes a year ago and so on. But I'm writing this now, because I hope I can see him soon. And that one day, when he knows about us and reads it that he will know how very much he is loved. 

Dear Nathan, 

When you sit down to read these letters, I hope you aren't confused. You see I've written this 7 years after the other letters you will read. I don't know why it took me so long. I think I have always known what I wanted to say but there are some things that I had to experience myself before I could say them to you. I wonder when you read this, if you will feel anything at all for me. Will it make a difference to you that I'm your aunt by birth? That my children are your cousins? That I have loved you since the first time I held you in my arms and you wrapped your tiny hand around my finger? I wonder if you will feel angry or mad or resentful? I wonder if you will want to go on with your life and if you will choose to not allow us to have a part in it. 

I know these are very selfish questions. I was never adopted. I grew up in the family I was born into. I can't imagine what you will think or know or do or see. I imagine you will want to know why my sister made her decision. I can't say what was in her head, but I can tell you that the day my sister left the hospital and had to part from you was the hardest day of her life. I  know that she felt in her heart that giving you to your family was the best for you and that she misses you every day. My sister is my best friend. And I will be honest with you. I didn't want you to go to your family at first. I wanted you to come home with us. But there are some things that I realize now since becoming a mom that I didn't understand then. 

When I had my son, I imagine it was very bittersweet for my sister. I always knew my baby would come home with us so I could hold him as much as possible and love on him and never have to make the decision my sister made. My sister never tried to not get attached. She was hooked from the minute she laid eyes on you. She loved you more than anything or anyone since. I know how hard it must have been for her to say goodbye. But I also know that when God closes a door he opens another. My sister had the opportunity to complete your family. She chose your parents out of all the other people in the world to have you. They have a wonderful relationship. They never want you to doubt just how much you are loved. 

As I sit here writing to you, my children are playing on the floor in our home. When I look at my son, I catch fleeting glimpses of you when you were a baby. I see the energy and the pure love. I remember your 2nd birthday party when you played with me on the floor. I think that is one of my favorite memories because out of all the people to play with you chose to hand me your toy trains and play with me. I have seen you in pictures and videos. I wish I could visit you more often but we are a Navy family and I can't get to you as much as I'd like. 

But I will see you soon. And when I see you I don't want you to be scared. I will probably cry. My husband says I cry a lot. Being a mom makes you emotional. I hope you can feel how much I love you in every hug. I hope that you will allow me to sit with you and learn about you. I hope you will understand how much you mean to me. And when you grow up, I hope you will allow us to be a part of your life. I hope that you will find a way to be a part of both families. I never want you to doubt for one second how much you are loved. God has given you two wonderful families who care so much about you. 

So when I meet you, forgive me if I hug you too long. I'm trying to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short hours. If I stare at you with glazed eyes, it's because I'm trying to memorize the features of your face or the shape of your smile. If I gasp or smile, it's because you remind me so much of my sister, my best friend. And if it takes a while before we meet again, know that I will always love you so very very much. 

Love, Aunt Heather