Strong Moms, Strong Daughters

Time to meet Evie Grace 

I introduced you to my son in a previous blog and I think it's about time you meet the newest addition to the Nerd herd. Evangeline Grace Savela. She was born on March 29, 2013 after a hard 42 hours of labor. We pulled out every trick in the book to get this little girl here and it's been a journey. 

Evie's first four months of life haven't been the easiest learning curve. Her dad is in the Navy so by necessity he was gone for the first three months, leaving just 4 days after she was born. And though I try to be the best mom I can, spreading yourself over two kids and acting as both parents isn't the easiest task to accomplish. People tell me all the time "I don't know how you do it" and the truth is, our family does this because we have no choice. We succeed, we make it through the days and we persevere because defeat is not an option. That winning smile right there is a balm to my soul. Can you tell my kids come by their dimples honestly? 

The truth about this little girl is that she makes me very introspective. I've never been a popular girl. I embrace my geekiness and wear it proudly. I embrace the fact that I'm intelligent and that I'm bookish. I embrace my tomboy characteristics and my brash, bold mouth because I learned a long time ago that if you can't love yourself, you can never expect anyone else to either. Parenting in general is making me question a lot of things I never expected to question. 

Raising a young woman

If you think there isn't a difference between raising boys and girls, you may want to skip this next section. *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER FEMENISM ALERT FEMENISM ALERT SPOILER SPOILER

Okay sorry...feminism has been given a totally bad rap, much like other things, because of the extremists. I am a feminist. To me that means that I believe in equal pay for equal work. I believe that the worth of a person shouldn't be based on the ability to procreate. I believe men and women are intellectual equals. I know that women are still paid $.70 on the dollar to what a man makes for the same work and I find that disgusting. If you don't think that women are at a distinct disadvantage from the outset I'd invite you to look at the 3 biggest enemies to women that I see: the  media,  magazines, and ourselves. 

I hate reality television with a passion. No...I'm not talking about some of the cutesie shows on TLC like Little Couple or 19 kids and counting...I'm talking to you MTV. First of all let me say that teen pregnancy is a reality in this country. It's tough but its true. But whoever thought was a brilliant idea to pay and film teenagers who got pregnant to "show how hard it was" is an idiot. If you want a litmus test for the success of that show in PREVENTING pregnancy, check out how many of its cast members got pregnant again within 2-3 years. Quite a few...just so you know. And you know what sickens me about that show? It doesn't show the other side of the coin....the moms who decided that they couldn't given their children the life they wanted and gave them to another family to raise. My older sister is probably one of the bravest people I know. She became pregnant at age 18 and made a very tough decision to give her son a better life with another family. I remember thinking that I don't know how anyone could do that and I'm sure she got more than her share of criticism. But these shows with pregnant teens don't show how hard raising a kid is. The grandparents raise the children and the baby daddy is off in left field doing lord knows what. One time in the shows history, they taped a girl who gave her baby up. To me...that's a travesty. You know what's worth filming? People like my sister, who I watched hand her son over to be raised by another family with tears in her eyes and a prayer in her heart that he would always remember how much she loved him. And don't mistake me, this is NOT a critique of teen parents. I respect the heck of of teen parents who make the sacrifices. But let's be honest...we are not our best selves at 17 and one day your kids are going to see this....is Teen MOMS the legacy you want to leave? 

Besides that we have Toddlers and Tiaras. Again ...no disrespect to pageant peformers but let's be honest with ourselves. Those kids are not learning anything. I've seen the show. The kids are not having fun. They're exhausted, emotionally stunted, and being pushed to perform. Let's not even talk about the sexualized costumes like Dolly Parton or the hooker costume from Pretty Woman. Putting all that aside let's talk about how the Mom's coach the little girls and they're petty to one another. Let's talk about the layers of spray tan and make-up and the adult themes and the abundance of poor decision making. What do these shows teach my daughter? That her only value lies in her ability to produce children and that she is not beautiful without layers of make-up and pretty clothes? It's not the t.v's job to raise our kids. I know that. But can we be a little bit responsible about the message we're putting out there for the world to see? 

Catfights and Cosmo

Alright. Time for a little confessional here. I know that I've used this phrase before "I get along with boys so much better. Girls are just crazy". Haven't we all? Do we even know where it comes from anymore? I've met some crazy women...for sure, but no less proportional than the number of guys who ought to be professional jerk bags. Woven through our culture is this idea that women can't trust one another...or their own voices or their own strength. We have raised our daughters to forget the wisdom of our past generations. Woman have forgotten the strength we have as a group. We've forgotten the tremendous self worth and unity and solidarity we have when fighting the same battle. It's true that I haven't had an abundance of female friends and when you look to thinks like reality t.v. that glorifies that sort of scrappy female on female fighting is it any wonder? 

I want my daughter to trust in her own voice. I want her to trust in her body...that she knows what is best for her, that she can bring forth life and embrace change, that she can rely on her community of women to help her, that she can nurture and comfort and won't be judged for her decisions based on her reproductive equipment. Women are our own worst enemy. In seeking to promote change, sometimes we forget we have a common goal. Women have strengths across the board. If one day Evie wants to be a corporate tycoon and change the world I support her 100%...but that's no less than  I would support her if she decides to become as stay at home mom, or yoga instructor or school teacher because in doing any of those things she will also change the world. She changes the world just by being her and being alive. 

I want her to know that just because all the magazines have skinny women and 25 tips to drive your man wild in bed, she is no less of a woman if she's a size 16 and her worth is not measured by her ability to sexually gratify another human being. I want her to know that if a man deserves her body he will have first learned to love her soul. I want her to know that she has so much potential to explore and be and do. I want her to know it's okay to be smart. It's good to question and wonder and think. I want her to know that women are strong. I want her to know she comes from a line of strong women and that I will be proud of her no matter what. 

I think though, in some ways...these are things that I will have to tell her on a daily basis. Being a girl means being the emotional center of a family. Even at 4 months old, Evie lives in a much higher state of anxiety than her brother. She's always looking and emoting so much that I know she gets things. She may be like her mother, and experience some things with such profound emotional depth that she cries and can't explain why she's crying. She may be like her Aunt B and love fiercely and independently and give her whole heart because that's the only way she can love...all the way. She may be like her Mimi and be a pillar of strength for her family, imbuing her daughters with the selfsame confidence and vitality that she has in abundance. 

Mostly though, I hope she gets a lot from her dad. I hope she is comfortable in her skin like he is. I hope she loves completely and shows it in all of her actions as he does. I hope she has the same happiness and effervescent joy that her dad and brother share. I hope she knows how much he loves her and that he values her mind, body and soul. I hope she inherits his sense of humor and can laugh at herself. I hope she embraces her intelligence and our love of all things oddball. I hope she can recite Star Wars episodes IV-V1( because the other three didn't happen) and quote Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter in love letters and I hope she finds someone who will do all the things for her that her father has done for me. I hope she finds her Dan.