5 Things you should never say to parents of young children

The list

As a mom...there are some things I hear on a near daily basis. They were funny at first. Then they were kinda irritating. Now I go into full blown inner howler monkey mode when I hear people say these things. Let me preface this list by saying that it's not so much the phrase as the spirit of intent behind it. Someone could say one of these things perfectly innocuously and not mean anything by it. Yet, I've learned through this journey that sometimes people can hide a lot of malice behind "nice" words. I've had people say some of these things and been perfectly kind and polite too. But, as with most things in life, it's better to err on the side of caution. And really...if you remember what it's like raising kids you know that some days you are hanging by the skin of your teeth. Some days..the kids are winning and you're half a step away from tossing your child out of a moving vehicle in front of their grandparent's driveway and hauling butt for the interstate. Somedays you're on top of the world...but on the offchance that it's an "interstate dash" kind of day...don't say these things to parents

5. "You've got your hands full"...

This one I get at least once a day. Usually on the coattails of the person seeing me struggling to open the door to the car or the grocery store or the restaurant while frantically trying to peel my screeching toddler from my legs, keep the pacifier in the baby's mouth and find my car keys or wallet or another miscellaneous item ...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I think sometimes it might be people looking for an opening to help, but someone our society has collectively adopted a massive case of stranger danger so we'd rather see a one mom circus than offer to open a door or hold a bag. Listen, I'm not about to hand someone one of my kids or my wallet for goodness sake, but I don't think Johnny randompants is going to take off with my box of organic cheerios gleefully shouting "There's a sucker born every minute" if I take him up on his offer to grab something. Most of the time, if there's an offer of help, I politely decline if I'm in good enough shape. But let me tell you something....on the "interstate dash" days ...when I hear someone say "You've got your hands full" after I watched them watch me struggle to open the door to a restaurant and I know they can see me about to drop one of my squirming children/bags/phone/keys and they smugly utter that phrase...I honestly want to hand my kids to a perfect stranger and have a mini hunger games in the parking lot. 

4. "Sounds like someone is cranky" ...

This one usually gets dropped by malicious people. In fact, I think I've heard this uttered sincerely about half a dozen times in my life. It's a person's way of saying " Your child is a walking catastrophe and is ruining my day". Listen...can we just...can we take a minute here and have a come to Jesus moment? Okay...here's a secret...us parents didn't have a tent meeting one day and just decide to bring our kids into public and then prod them into having a tantrum for the sole purpose of wallowing in pleasure as we watch you non kid having foks self-desruct. If I can be painfully honest for a moment, it drives me insane when my toddler melts down. I do not like to attract public scrutiny. I do not argue in public, I don't have screaming matches at Wal-mart...it's just not my style. It's quite embarrassing for me when poor D has a tantrum because he's tired or ill or any other number of reasons. The difference is that I know its developmentally on target. He's 19 months...not 19 years. He can't express what he wants or needs. He can't tell me he wants a nap or that he's upset or that his head hurts. If I play 20 questions I might be able to get him to sign that he's thirsty but by that time, I could also be done shopping. At some point, we parents figured out that it's easier and faster to get in and out. I get that it's not fun to hear a child screaming, but kids have tantrums for dozens of reasons. I can't and won't live like a hermit for fear of a public tantrum. I'll get to my car and have as much of a candid conversations as I can with my child and try to get to what he's trying to express but doesn't have the words. 

3. "Isn't he/she a little old for that"...

To be honest, I haven't gotten this one a lot. I know that I will though because I plan on breastfeeding my daughter until at least 1 and who knows...maybe longer. Now before you go all "You're scarring your child for life" on me, I'll have you know that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until at least 1 while the American Academy of Pediatrics says until at least 2. Now if you don't want to do that, good for you. I don't want to go too deeply into the whole Mommy debate because quite frankly, It ain't my kid. I don't care what you do with your kids as long as it isn't harmful to them. Seriously though...I don't understand why so many people give a hoot about what other people do with their kids. If breastfeeding a toddler isn't in your game plan okay...but why do you care if I do it or Mary down the block or Tina over in Vermont? It's not your kid. Parenting is a different journey for everyone and I don't expect people to identify with what I do if it's not their style. Our baby sleeps in bed with us because I breastfeed her 4-5 times a night and frankly I'm a little too lazy to stay up and nurse her in a rocking chair. I'm tired. If you see a kid with a binkie or a bottle or a diaper or whatever and they seem too old? Let it go and mind your own business. It's not your child. It isn't as though if you say something about it, that parent will have some great revelation and follow your advice. I've got news for you, parenting is a sensetive issue and telling someone they might be developmentally screwing their kids isn't going to win you any friends. It's more likely to hugely backfire and blow up in your face. 

2. "Oh well my kid..." 

Listen, this is for my fellow parents. Or past parents because I've heard people with grown kids use this too. Mostly it's used in a sort of 'mine is better than yours' way. I do not care what your kids did developmentally or when it happened. If little Suzie spoke in full sentences at 2 months that's crazy impressive...but it doesn't affect me or my children. I'm genuinely interested in hearing where kids are at  or hearing funny stories about milestones or hearing stories about family members growing up. What I'm not interested in hearing is your brag list so you can make a dig at someone. I don't know if you know this or not...milestones aren't really a huge indicator or intelligence. Some kids are just good at walking. They walk early and they fall...a lot. Some kids go from crawling everywhere one day to walking the very next day. They study and plan until they know they can do it successfully. It's all a matter of degrees. Declan comes from two very analytical/math/sciencey minds. He's not really very verbal now and it's not a huge shock. Both of his parents are analytical thinkers. He may be like my friend's brother and just not want to talk to people. His mom found him talking to himself in full sentences in a closet at age 3. Some kids are like that. The point being, don't use your kids and their development as some sort of competetive edge. Your child is a human being, separate from you with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. They deserve your respect every bit as much as an adult and when you hijack them and their accomplishments in order to put someone else down and a child at that, it diminishes so much the value of those accomplishments. 

1. "He/she is so spoiled"...

I love it when people say this to me. It started from the first month Declan was alive. First it's the looming warning..."Don't go rush to him every time he cries or you'll spoil him". Then it's "Let him cry for a while or you'll spoil him" . Then it's "You can't hold him/ hug him/ play with him/ give him what he wants all the time or it'll spoil him". 

First of all...ahahahahahaha wooo ahahahahaha haha hahah ahahhaah ...oh man ...hold on there I think I got a side cramp from laughing so hard. Do you understand how crazy that sounds? You can't spoil a child with love. From the moment they are born, you have given your heart and soul to a child that you chose to bring into the world. All they know is your love. Your smiles. Your singing. Your hugs. Your warm cuddles. Your bath time/playtime/feeding time. You see...to a baby...those things are all expressions of your love. To a toddler ...those are all expressions of your love. I find it incredibly ironic that our society teaches us to force independence on our children from infancy but we hover over them in adulthood. I'm not saying you should bow to every whim of your child. My kid can want a hot fudge sunday until the cows come home but he's not getting one. I also don't arbitrarily say no and leave it at that. I take the time to explain why he cannot have one and give him a hug and send him on his way and 5 minutes later he's eating dirt and chasing the dog and having a grand old time. 

Most people make the assumption a child is spoiled because they throw a tantrum for wanting something. Developmentally, that's pretty natural. Obviously you don't want to foster that behavior but it's something to work on. My 19 month old can't tell me he wants a snack so he gestures and intonates loudly to get my attention. What you see as a tantrum is likely a child getting incredibly frustrated that he can't make you understand what he needs or wants. There are some children who are given everything they want. That's probably wrong but it's not my kid. Those are also older children who can reason and think and manipulate. Telling a parent they've spoiled their child is telling them they've done something wrong. It's telling them that giving love and reassurance and attention to a child is wrong. Call me crazy if you will but I just think if kids know without a shadow of a doubt that you love them and you're beside them no matter what that they can trust you...they will come to you with their questions and they'll rely on you for support and they won't seek external validation from negative sources. So you can call my kids spoiled if you'd like, but I'm going to tell you one thing....my children will never ever doubt my love for them and if that's spoiling them...guilty as charged!

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peek-a-boo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

-Unknown